Okay, well here goes, I guess it all started when my mum and dad splt up, i was about 5 years old and we moved to to a bigger city from a small town. We lived on a rough council estate and things started to go downhill.
My mum was a heroin abuser for 7 years and attempted suicide 3 times. We were taken off her by socal services but i was allowed to remain in contact with my dad. He was my rock. We were sent to live with someone else, me, my sister (4 years younger than me) and my Brother, who suffers from learning difficulties and anger problems.
My mum won custody after 9 months and when we moved back she was living with her Boyfriend. They have been together 12 years now. I hated him in the beginning and found happiness in my Aunt. I kept running away so eventually we moved away to the other side of the city and as a child thats a pretty long way. My dad lived with my Grandad, he was like mmy best friend, i thought he would live forever. He didn't. He was the first dead body i saw, i was 14. Afterwards my Dad started drinking heavily and got laid off work. He's an alchohlic now, with chest problems and Liver Problems. I constantly think of him dying. Things didn't improve with my stepdad so the first chance i got i moved out of my mum's house and moved into a flat with my boyfriend of the time (who is still my best friend), i was 15, he was 19. I did well in my GCSE's, gettin all A-Cs, after school i went to college but dropped out after 9 months, to get a job to pay the bills. I got a good job, but i hated the people and after a while i snapped. So now i'm a shift manager for McDonalds and i hate it like you would not believe.
Last year was the worst year of my life, i lost 6 close family members, got evicted, got a promotion (wish i hadn't), my cieling fell through and all of my stuff got wrecked, i had nothing.
I just feel like i don't amount to nothing, i want to do something great with my life and i don't know where to start. After losing all my family, i just keep thinking whos next? Praying it's me, so i don't have to deal with the pain again. I can't watch my family fall apart again, i have to no one to turn to, i feel so afraid of life......
Am so sorry to hear about your family passing away.....I can understand why you might not like your job in McDonald's but i think you are kinda lucky in a sense because there are so many people who cannot get a job at the moment who would love to be in your position..Am not saying your bad 4 not liking it by the way just giving my opinion.....As for your depression hun you should try and speak to someone about it please don't bottle it all up it is not healthy...is there no-one you can talk to?....your partner? a close friend?.......Or you can talk to us on here we will try and help you as much as we can...Please don't say things like you pray it will be you because that is not nice i know you don't want the heartache of seeing another family member leave but your life is worth a lot and you should never want anything to happen to yourself..no matter what life throws at you...I hope you feel better...You can talk to me or anyone on here anytime...Pm me or just post i will answer..Jenny
Hi Jenny, thanks, i really appreciate that you took the time to give me some advice. I know i should be greatful i have a job, sometimes i do feel quite selfish when i see people who are a lot worse off than me, i think to myself, what is wrong with me? why am i so unhappy? I feel like i can't go to family with my problems becuase they are all grievin and i'm scared my mum will return to Heroin if i add more pressure. I tried talking to my boyfriend, but he just blames himself and we end up fighting, that only makes things worse. I recently went to the docs n got prescribed some anti-depressents, but so far they have only made me lose my appetite. I find that my disturbing thoughts are becoming more and more frequent and i dont know where to go for help. I find it hard to open up infront of strangers!
I understand that hun but you need to speak to someone professional about it because yu shouldn't be thinking these things...it not healthy!...My advice would be make another appointment with your doctor and explain that the tablets are not working and you are having these thoughts and see if he could transfer you to a psychiatrist or someone who can help and just explain to him/her that you have trouble opening up and they will help you talk to them about it....Jenny
Princess, you have many to turn to whom you may not realize. I am sorry to have read such sad and unfortunate experiences in your young life. No one should feel that pain. Loss of a loved is the most painful experince we are forced to live with, however you can't let it consume you. The best advice to take is to speak with a professional with a humane approach that can help you turn a chaper to start a new one. This may be troublesome now, but the outcome can make you strong enough to help others. You may not see your purpose in life now, but after the storm the sun will eventually shine! Don't give up on yourself cause in the end your an important part of life itself! Good luck and best of wishes sister.