My boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. Through out the time that we were together, he treated me with love, respect, and kindness. However, there were many times in which I hurted him and took him for granted. There were times when he wanted to talk to me on the phone and I would tell him that I would call him back. Sometimes I was busy with school work or some other tasks. Many times I would rather be on the internet than give him the time and attention he wanted and deserved. I remember how I would call him right before I go to sleep and by that time, I was too tired so I just told him I'd talk to the next day. When he told me how my actions were hurting him, I told him to stop complaining and whining and that he needed to give me my space and time for myself. I was so irritated with him. The more he got upset with me for neglecting him, the more upset I got.

There were many things about him that irritated me and sometimes, I would get very angry. I never got physically violent (I'm half his size!), but I did get angry enough to the point where I will not talk to him or look at him. I would roll my eyes and just shut him out. There were times in which I just walked out and go home. One example would be when he was driving my car and I was in the passenger seat, he almost got us into an accident and immediately I was so angry and irritated by his bad driving (I'm not the best driver myself) that when we came back to my house, I completely ignored him. Many of my family members did not think that my behavior was neccessary and that I could've handled it much better. One the major things that annoyed and irritated me very much about him was his inability to have interesting and intelligent conversations with me. I used to tell him how he always talked out of his behind because nothing he ever said made any sense. I would also tell him that he needed to think before he said something because he could never rationalize anything that he claimed. I used to call him an fool and sometimes I may have called him "stupid." It seemed as if he just said whatever to just have something to say. For example if I brought up a hot topic, he'd say something that makes me think, "Are you even listening to me? Do you even know what I am talking about?" This would irritate me very much. So I started to share my thoughts on online forums and he started to get offended by this. He would ask me why I couldn't share my thoughts with him and why I share it with strangers? I told him that because I like to get others perspectives. Really, in my mind, I did not feel that he always understood me or was even on the same page. Our thinking and minds were miles a part.

Things were not always this bad. We had many great memories together. We had our smiles, laughs, and good times. He has been there for me and my family. He has done what he could to show me that he loves me. I was convinced that despite my flaws, he was going to stand by me no matter what. I was too confident in myself, him and our relationship.

There are other reasons why I think I may be bipolar outside of my relationship with my ex boyfriend. I would lash out at my mom and sister as well. My boyfriend was not the only person who I got irritated and angry with. I remember an incident in which my mom asked me to help her go to the water store to fill up her five gallon water bottles. In the car she asked me if I was going to find a job. I had already been under a lot of stress trying to find a teaching job and have had no luck. When she asked me this, I began to freak out on the inside, but did not say much. When we got to the store, we noticed that we forgot one of the bottles at home. My mom asked me why I didn't bring the other bottle and I immediately got upset and yelled at her. I told her that it was not my fault and that she should've remembered to bring it. I got angry and did not go into the store with her. When we got home, the problem escalated and I got into it with her again. I continued to blame her for not bringing the water bottle. She yelled at me that I did not have to get so angry. That furiated me more and I went to my bedroom and cried my eyes out. I didn't come out until the next day. I felt guilty and ashamed for how I behaved.

I have had similar incidents with my sister. I got upset at her for trivial things. When I have these "episodes" I immediately feel a lot of tension and anger inside of me. I cannot control it. After my ex broke up with me, I had feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness. I told a few close people to me that I did not want to live anymore and that if God wanted to take me, I would gladly go. I did not feel as though I was worthy of love. I had hurted all the people I love and care about. I had driven away the one guy that I put all my trust, faith and hope in. I wanted to die. I was very emotional and I cried endlessly. I felt helpless and hopeless. I was at the bottom of a dark, dark place and I didn't know how to get out. This was when I turned to God because God has helped me out of this place before and I believed that He would help me out again... and He did. It has been almost three weeks since the break up and I have moments in which I feel strong, but others when I find myself weak... and missing him. I figure this is all natural and part of the healing process.

I also prayed to God that this break up is not all bad and that I will come out it stronger and a better person. I prayed for change. I prayed that I would finally begin to heal and reach deep within myself to change my old ways. Lately I have been nicer to my mom and sister. I do things for them without getting irritated or upset. I talk to them in a kind manner and I try my best to avoid getting angry over trivial things. The other day my mom yelled at me about doing a task for her. Usually I will lash out at her and make the situation worse, but this time I found it in myself to ask her to speak kindly to me. I think that my mom and sister see that I am trying to change my ways and they are cooperating with me. I want to thank them for putting up with me. I want to thank my ex for putting up with me. I want to thank God, especially God, for loving and accepting me despite all of my flaws.

So do you think I am bipolar?