As I write this I've just finished an awful bout of weeping, so do bear with my way of writing.

I've been reading up a lot on bipolar and I seem to have Bipolar II. I don't have manic episodes, in the sense that I do not have hallucinations. I do sometimes hear my friends call me when they say that they in fact have not, but I do not know if this is relevant. It hasn't happened in a long while though. I have rapid thoughts. Very rapid. I have to concentrate hard to be able to study. My concentration flits around. But when I am into something I can go on and on without rest. Lately I have been making rash investent decisions, only to be saved by the poor internet connection! I can talk a mile a minute. Sometimes I feel I'm just plain annoying. Sometimes I just don't want to talk to anyone at all. When my flatmates come out of their room I slow my music down so they would think I was out.

I didn't use to notice this. As a child I did realize that my thoughts could get out of control if I did not 'watch' them. Words would repeat, sentences, sometimes they got louder, so loud that I would get scared. Sometimes images would keep repeating. This was when I was younger. Now I think perhaps I am more used to it. Now I often see images of suicide, of my wrists being slit, or my stomach being sliced open. I forget things. My friend tells me that we went to London together but I honestly do not recall any such instance. My boyfriend tells me that I sent him a song but I've never even heard of the song before. I'd be talking and I'd be thinking, and then I'd ask, what was it that I wanted to say, and I wouldn't for the life of me be able to remember. I often hear my heart beating in my ears. Am I mad?

My depression can get pretty severe. I often think of suicide. I cry like my heart's about to break. I feel that the world would be a better place without me. It feels so dark when I'm depressed. It's even worse when the room really is dark! But sometimes when I'm depressed I dim the lights and it helps. I ask God, I plead with him, to take me away. Sometimes God is the only thing that stops me. Sometimes I think of my family. My boyfriend. Sometimes I need to clench my hand tight and curl myself in a ball.

Sometimes I'm really happy. I laugh to myself. Feels like a ball of sunshine in me wanting to burst through.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't know if my boyfriend understands. Once he asked me if I was bipolar today. I was the one who broached the topic. He seems to be warming to the topic lately; gave me some things to read on bipolar. But I don't think he understands yet. Am I bipolar? He says I might have a liver disease; thus the mood disorders. I do have unexplainable physical ailments ati times but I read that it might be a symptom of bipolar too. Like random aches. etc. I don't know. I'm sorry if I'm not articulating well here.

My family does not know this. And I will not go to a doctor. People will think I'd have gone mad. And the meds seem to have awful side effects.

I am 23 this year. My mother was depressed when she was pregnant with me. I used to think, imagine that, I would've thought there'd be something wrong with me in such a pregnancy. Goes to show there really is something wrong with me.