Let me start off by introducing myself. My name is Maria...you can call me meatloaf...thats what most people call me. I am 16 years old. Past few days...I've been very worried. I think I might be bipolar. About a week ago...I had some sort of panic attack or something and my parents pointed out it wasn't normal. I got worried and started looking up mental disorders...I thought previously in my life that I may have some sort of mental disorder for a little but I'v always denied it... I want to ask your guys' opinion on weather you think im ok...to me I feel normal...but then I don't know what normal is anymore.... Ill start with my life story i guess...the parts of it that I think arn't normal....

Ok here i go:
So I've never been to a doctor of any sort...my parents don't have insurance and say its a waste of time...they don't believe in mental problems... Lets start with...: I was born in russia...I came to america at the age of 5.. I have a brother and a mother and father. They all work as circus performers. At the age of 6 when i started to go to kindergarden was when i recall i started to have an unusual childhood. I started kindergarden at 6. I couldn't really speak english...i only spoke russian... kids made fun of me...i had no friends. My parents started to work at Excaliber along with my brother. (i lived in vegas they did the performances there) I would come home from a dreadful day at school and not to long after my family would leave to work....i would stay at home alone....a 6 year old. This was when major problems started occuring...I remember my child hood so much because i remember fear and pain more than fun stuff. I remember as soon as they left i would turn on the tv and hide under the coffee table. I was afraid to move a muscle... I created a new world in my mind where everything other than the table wasnt safe... If i moved a muscle monsters would eat me up....i thought there were killers and thieves watching me through the window... I was always paranoid someone was watching.... even moving a muscle was scary for me.i wouldnt do my homework...i was afraid i would awaken the ghosts or something stupid like that. i started bad sleeping paterns i wouldnt be able to go to sleep because of slightest movments drove me insane...me gulping my spit kept me up...i would tell myself to stop...make my self stop thinking...it didnt work...my mind would race a mile a minute.sometimes i came home and fell right asleep and sleep in the whole day...others i wouldnt sleep at all...i heard voices...of people plotting to kill me...i created theorys my parents werent biological...i thought they were aliens sent to kill me...make me feel miserable.....my grades were horrible...not only was i not doing any homework...but i also didnt understand half of the things my teacher was saying...To add on i went to a christian school...around that time i started having what i thought were revolutionary ideas (i never really belived in god) i started questioning my existance...i would go into a trance were i would start with a vision of the world and then rapidly zoom out into space then the galaxy then just white....i kept questioning why we were living what was the purpose of life... life at home remained the same...i was always under the table. sometimes...my grandma would come in from russia to take care of me at home...during these times i seamed normal. My parents would always yell at me for my horrible grades...they would often beat me. i felt horrible...my brother often hit me...called me names...i hated it...around this time i started having what i call crying attacks ( i would uncontrollably start crying and i wouldint be able to stop...my breathing would be very very deep and id often hold my breathe in making my chest hurt....this was around 1st or 2nd grade. I often got beat for crying...around this time my parents started my circus training....two hours everday... horrible...i would accidentally start crying attacks and my parents would think that im just trying to make them mad or somethig...they felt i was rebeling...they would beat me...force streach me...i never asked for a career in circus... TT-TT my mom started calling me fat...i wasnt at all...she would keep saying i shouldnt eat anything...she was my anorexia...she was the voice telling me not to eat. I never really listened to her...i had decided that she never told the truth and only wanted to kill me. My dad hated me. =_= this is still around third grade... the bad grades and daily practices continue until until present day...scool grades bad...test score awesome......i dont get beat anymore that stoped around 12 years old... back to 4rth grade. 4rth grade i switched to a public school. around here i remember the voices stopped. My parents had a child...my sister. I found out from my grandma my dad is not biological. That explains why he was always mean to me...my sister got special treatment.. my parents stopped working at excaliber and now were home after school. around this time..i started to think worst... i was around 8 i think. I would wake up and at first my thoughts were" i have to run away!!!! PLEASE!!!!! i dont want to live here" that was about every day. I would often blank out and trash my room completely... i wouldnt remember what happened...i was always irratable... At school...despite my depression i was extremely hyper irritable and violent. i thought this was normal but i latter found out i was labeled as "the crazy kid" kids already thought i was insane....i was always paranoid my parents were watching me and would yell at me for doing something bad. Note: i still had my practices...i would cry mostly...sometimes i would laugh at pain....i would be hyper... this was when "cycles "i guess you call them started? they were short...about a week. depressed, hyper and inventive, depressed, mixed....i would be so confused.... I started to draw....i was better then everyone through my eyes...i felt smarter then everyone even though i was failing...i would feel high without taking drugs...often i felt mentally retarded...i would uncontrollably hit people. this was between 3-5 grade.around 4rth grade i was suicidal...i would wake up wishing i had the guts to jump out the window.....i wished i would die on the spot...all my friends i have ever had used me ....i have always been nice...even tho i occassionally snapped at them on accident....i would give them money and i felt they were my family...i wont go in depth about my friendships.... at age 8 i had my first job...as a circus performer...i did contortion... my parents continued to yell at me....around 6th grade my moms words started feeling like blades to the ears....literally...i would go insane and it would trigger "crying attacks" which made her yell more...around this time i stoped blanking out and going insane and trashing my room...my mom still yelled at me for being fat....my sister continued to be a perfect child...around 8-9 i remember i was babysitting her and i snapped and almost killed her...she was like 2 ...i didnt mean it...i love her...i dont know why i did...i put a blanket over her and started suffocating her...luckly my mom came in in time. I would often abuse her without thinking on accident...life for me was horrible but i still held on...i have always been quiet...only when really hyper did i talk alot. if you were to ask anyone they would describe me as either hyper and random....or shy quiet weird girl sitting in corner reading a book...i would try not to but i would often overreact to small things. I hated myself...other times...i loved myself....i sometimes was a perfectionist esspecially in art...in group projects i boss everyone around and made sure every little detail was perfectif it wasnt i would cry....sometimes i was depressed then i would do bad at projects....i always had a horrible memory...im surprised i remember all this stuff...i would talk to someone and turn around for a second and completely ferget everything i had said...i would even forget what i had eaten that day. often times my mind would skip through time...i would blank out while walking and all the sudden its like ten seconds later and im still walking...i continued life like any teen exept with problems i had mentioned earlier...blanking out, bad memory, major hyperness and depression, and i would occassionally start fights, often times i had weird feelings...of retardedness.right about now im writing and im starting t feel retarded again...my mind is going fuzzy and i feal like im on drugss...i have never taken any but i know this isnt normal...the fealings i have are wat kids at my scool describe as "high" i have alot of problems that i prolly wont be able to list right now because im starting to lose my train of thought again...maybe ill post the rest later i hope you reply!! i would like to know if i have any disorder and what kind...


i asked my mom to take me to a phsyciatrist yesterday but she said it was a waste of money and didnt take me seriously. give me suggestions on what i should do plaease....i preferably dont want to harm my mother at all because even though she gave me alot of problems she still gave life to me and takes care of mme...i love her...i just wish life would be better for me...i feel like im living in hell im tired of it...today i feal mixed by the way...a depressive hyperness.. :[

please excuse my horrible grammar and writing skills.. >_> i feal kinda slow today...