Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Am I Being Controlled/manipulated?

Let me give you the run down. My boyfriend is a really sweet, nice guy. When he's stressed, however he becomes very angry. He's never really hit me or anything, but I feel that he uses me emotionally and financially and manipulates me by being nice to me one moment and mean to me the next.

We moved in together about 2 years ago, around 1 or 2 months after we started dating. Everything was wonderful for about a month until he quit his job, and basically never could "find" a job afterwards. The truth is, he's probably had more than 20 jobs through agencies that he quit after a day of work, or he was let go for getting mad or being rude to someone (and of course it was never his fault).

Everything became very, very difficult after my mother was diagnosed with Advanced Colon Cancer after we had been together for 4 or 5 months. I wanted to be around her and spend more time with her, but somehow, he made me feel guilty for being "late" coming home. For awhile, I was only allowed to go to her chemo treatments once every two weeks, and he didn't want me to spend the night away from home, so I would leave my home at 6am and have to be back home before 10pm. The sad thing, which devastated me, because we didn't know how long mom had, was that I was only working part time, 3-4 days a week and on my days off I had to spend with him because he missed me and wanted to spend more time with me. It broke my heart, but everytime I told him I wanted to move backhome to be with my mom, he somehow always made me second guess myself. In addition to this, My mom loved him a lot, and just wanted me to "keep my life going" despite everything that was going on with her health.

Anyhow, that's how life has gone. Evenutally, I got a better paying job, got a discounted cruise to Europe (which I took him on and paid for) and in the meantime same thing with his lack of job. Despite his complaints about his lack of money, despite his angry words about his life and his depression, I stuck by him.

Unfortunately, in July or August of last year my mother broke her back after almost 2 years of chemotherapy and her condition continued to decline after she was taken to the hospital. In November, her oncologist called for an emergency family meeting to discuss the need to put her into hospice care. My boyfriend, didn’t seem to want to put two and two together, and unfortunately I could not handle it and left him that night. The next morning, we found out that my mom was going to be put in hospice care, and that she would maybe have up to three months left to live. It only turned into 10 days. I stayed in hospice with her day in and out, and my boyfriend spent almost every night in there with us, crying with us and encouraging us, and really being wonderful. He was really there for us during that horrible time in our lives.

Of course I moved back in with him (well technically I never moved any of my stuff out) but only stayed 3 nights a week while I worked my 12 hour shifts, and then spending the rest of the weekend at home with my family, trying to be there for my younger siblings and acting on a promise I made to my mother when she was first diagnosed with Cancer, which was to come back home and make sure they were okay.

It was okay at first, but then he became more and more aggravated that I was not spending much time with him anymore. He still didn’t have a job, but I kept helping him with bills despite how depressed I was feeling, but he just kept trying to guilt me into staying home permanently again. For example saying that this is not the way life goes, and we have to keep going, and then he started to say I was messing his life up and didn’t care about him. I told him I wanted to book a trip to the states to change scenery, but since he had gotten a job, he told me that I should just go and try to relax and enjoy myself, but then , as usual he quit the job and threw a fit that he wasn’t booked. The flights were sold out and I wouldn’t have added him anyway because he had been so mean to me and my younger sister a few days before. This happened on a Friday, and on Monday he basically texted me to get my property out of the house if I didn’t add him to the trip and that he would call one of his (intimidating) friends to come and make sure I did it. So I left work that day because I was so freaked out and started packing before my boyfriend came back home from the gym. When he came home, he apologized and we talked it out and all was fine until the following Sunday night after getting home around 10:30pm instead of 9:30pm like I said I would, he started walking around the apartment (after getting out of bed and turning on all of the lights) saying how I was “effing him up, and that he would “hurt me”. I had had enough. I took my half packed bags from the week before, packed up the rest of my stuff and left by 1 am. I slept in my car in the parking lot of my job. The next day, he was so upset and threatened to come to my house to make me “cry blood” and to “get the police” involved.

Long story short, we’ve been trying to work it out to get back together, but he just can’t seem to understand that I’m not ready to move back in with him, because rather than making my life easier, being understanding and helping me through my grief, he seems to make it worse but just thinking about his own comfort, and getting our life back to the way it is. He’s always telling me that I’m the one breaking the relationship, and that all of his friends think I’m wrong and that he’s right, even though I’m still paying half of his bills while I’m not living with him. I’m so frustrated and can’t seem to get out of this relationship. I don’t know if I’ve just been conditioned to want him in my life, or if I’m seeing the sweet guy that I fell in love with.

Sorry for the venting, but hopefully someone has a few comments for me.
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replied March 13th, 2012
I wish I could tell you something to help you but If you read my post you will see that we have a lot in common. Your Boyfriend sounds a lot like mine. The whole thing about making you feel guilty for spending time with other people and how we are the once messing up their lives. Mine has actually managed to make me feel guilty if I have to work late or if I have to run errands after work and have to come home late. He is very good at manipulating me. Hopefully we can both get some help thru this forum. Sorry but I can only offer you a hug of understanding at this point.
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