Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

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Q: Am I an Abuser?

asked by: Jupiter49 on June 23rd, 2009

New User

I've been reading a few Abusive Relationship articles lately, and I see a few similarities in my situation. Though for a while I have known that I don't treat my boyfriend as well as I should, I've been concerned lately and I want to take action.

I have a troubled past and I have been completely open about anything and everything I have done to him and though he does not like it, he has accepted it. I have told him that I recognize that I have anger issues amongst others, but I have progressed much in the past few months and I told him I know I still have some issues to work out but I have come this far ad I am not going to stop now. He told me he understood and he does not believe I treat him as horribly as I say I do but I will stay with me to help me work them out.

Now to go on... I tease him an awful lot (though we have a system, left hand right hand, left being serious right being playing as most people have a hard time knowing whether or not I am joking as I do not display it appropriately with nonverbal language) but I always signal whether or not I am joking. He has admitted some of my jokes get to him but I apologize and try to make him understand. When I throw temper tantrums I often yell at him but later apologize, and though I had only physically abused him once (threw my cell-phone at his hand though I was not specifically aimed for him)I apologized. What I am concerned about is yelling at him when I lose my temper and being very sarcastic with him when I am angry and belittling him. I'd really like so advice to help stop because I know I am not being as nice to him as he is to me and I don't want him in any way to think that I am TRYING to abuse him.

I have been in a few abusive relationships in the past and I know how it feels so I would really like any advice I could get. Keep in mind, I do not engage in any substance abuse other than mild smoking (5 cigarettes or less a week, but I am trying to quit alltogether, former chainsmoker), I have taken 12 (different) psychiatric medications in the past 2 years (a few for anxiety, mood swing control and off label one to treat my Asperger's...) and been put in the psyche ward twice but I am off my medications, and since I got off I have been doing a lot better.

Sorry to babble, but I am very concerned and once again, would like any advice I could get, thank you for your time.

Replies(3)

wendyrs

replied on June 23rd, 2009

Supporter

Hi Jupiter, First of all I think you're on the right track for recognizing that you do have a problem. You asked a question, am I an abuser? I think you know the answer to your question. Yes, you are an abuser. Again, it's a great thing that you have recognized the problem but you really should go into counseling. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy to stick by you. You are very lucky that he is still there and if you really care for him you will get help right away. Maybe you already are getting help, and that's good. I would advise you to take this in steps although it would be a perfect world if I told you to just stop everything you're doing and you did. The first thing I would recommend to you would be to stop putting him down or making fun of him. Try the opposite and give him a compliment each day. I hope this is a start.

Jupiter49

replied on June 23rd, 2009

New User

Well, it's not as bad as I say it is, which is also what he tells me. We have a few running jokes and he has a pretty good sense of humor about it. My problem about the counseling is though, I have no way of getting there in my situation, and since I have stopped seeing my therapist and taking my medications, a lot of my problems seemed to work themselves out.

What I am mostly concerned about is my nagging (for last of a better word but I think you know what it is). He says he is sometimes afraid of telling me his problems with me for fear that I will nag at him though I don't, and I have been getting through my issues well. But get real, therapy/counseling right now is not an option. Do you think there is anything I could do differently?

wendyrs

replied on June 23rd, 2009

Supporter

Ok, I understand. Here are my suggestions. Try the deep breath breathing in and out through your nose and mouth every time you feel like you're going to start nagging or if you should feel angry or irritable. Exercise is such a wonderful medicine. Focus on a plan to walk, do some stretching yoga exercises, get a meditation cd which also goes along with the breathing. Stay away from junk food and eat more fruits and vegetables. All of these things I have told you are good for the mental state of mind. I think if you put your mind to these things and try the compliment a day you will begin to see some changes that you will like.

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