Troubled and Abusive Relationships
We were driving home after dropping my 3 year old off at preschool. My 1 year old daughter was in the car. He told me that morning that he would take our son to preschool and I could just look after our daughter. I went with him because he is not familiar with the procedure. I had made it clear to him what time to be at school- he ignored it and decided it was ok to be late. I was disappointed- and I explained on the way there why it is important not to be late- it is a private school and you're allowed so many late days before they ask you not to attend the school (it's their policy, being late disrupts the class. Might be a little strict- but it is a very good school and I don't mind following that rule so my little guy gets a good education, etc.). And like clock work this set off his arrogance and temper. We were not even half way there and he began saying things like "I can take my kid to school whatever time I want and they can't tell me not to bring him to school", "I don't care what they say- they can't kick him out of school because he was late. I can bring him to school whatever time I want.", etc. I told him it wasn't a good attitude to have because I really liked this school and I don't want him to leave the class. (Normally I take him to school- daddy had a day off of work). This makes him more angry and he begins to yell at me (this is normal for him- as much as I resent having to keep my opinions to myself because it prompts this behavior- I still feel I should be able to voice my opinion/feelings even if they oppose his own). I tell him not to yell and keep his voice down because it isn't good to do this in front of kids, and especially right before dropping our son off- it can make it harder for him to separate from his parents after they are fighting, etc. And as usual- he ignores it. After dropping the little guy off the argument continues. Like an idiot- I stick to my guns about following school procedure so our son can still attend that school (we live in a small town- good preschools are hard to find within a 15 mile radius, plus our son really loves that school...). My partner is at this point screaming at me and I'm telling him to stop- but telling him to stop only makes it worse. He's telling me not to tell him to stop, his head looks like it's going to explode, spit is flying out of his mouth (I'm driving). He's fully lost control at this point- the screaming escalates, our daughter starts to cry- and that's when I lost it. I smacked him. It wasn't hard, and I know it wasn't the right thing to do- but I wasn't thinking. It was a reaction. A split reaction. And that set off the explosion. He was furious. Demanded that I pull over (on a 4 lane highway) and let him out. I couldn't do that and we were almost home, so I waited. Which was also the wrong thing to do- because turning the corner I was only 50 yards away from our street- and I wanted him to have a nice long walk home to cool off- so I kept driving. Which apparently was again- the wrong thing to do. He went ballistic. Screaming in my face while I'm driving, pulling at his hair- our daughter was very upset. I hit him. Again. At this point he was incoherent with rage- and I hit him again, harder. I wanted him to stop. If I had taken a moment to actually think about what I was doing- I would have realized that I was just pouring gasoline on the fire. He unbuckled his seat belt and started bashing his head into the dash board. There is now a dent in the dashboard. I found a place with enough room to pull over and asked him to leave the car. He refused. At this point I was very shaken. Shaken by him, and shaken by myself. I don't hit people (which I guess in not accurate now). I would not be described as a violent person. I honestly cannot say for sure why I did it- or what drove me to do it. And that scares the living daylights out of me. I know I get very protective of the kids when he loses his temper. We've been going to therapy for 6 months now- but for something unrelated to his temper (or maybe it is related, we haven't figured it out yet). After pulling over and telling him to get out- I became angry. This is not the first time he's lost it- I can't have an opinion about him that is disapproving. If I feel anything other than gratefulness for him- he loses it. He lies to me about everything- finances are the most recent biggie. I found out why he doesn't want me involved in the finances- he was lying. When I became sick and unable to work- he let my credit go down the tubes. Now I can't even open a bank account. His credit is perfect. I suppose by now I'm sounding like an idiot for trusting another person with my own finances (but isn't that marriage? ok, I'm disgusted with myself for letting that happen) I can't say anything without him asking "what's that supposed to mean". I've tried to leave before and he wont let me. Like today- after pulling over and telling him to get out- a dam broke. I want out. I'm racked with guilt and a multitude of conflicting emotions. I want to leave, but I don't want the kids growing up with a single parent, I want a happy family, I don't have any money or a bank account or any credit, I don't have a very supportive family so I know if I left I don't have anywhere to go but my best friend, and I can't imagine her putting me and two kids up, and then there's him- if I say I want out he changes. Like today. I said it- and suddenly he changes. He's holding onto my arm and wont let me out. He's apologizing for everything- he's saying he's wrong, totally wrong. He's saying he lost it completely- he's saying he forgot who I was and he felt like he was in a war against an enemy. He's telling me he loves me and I'm right and he was wrong. There's blood on his face. I actually gave him a bloody nose. And here's my biggest problem: I don't know what to think. We're home now. He's leaving me alone. I hate myself. I can't believe I gave him a bloody nose. I feel it's not him who has a problem- it's me. Am I abusive? What is my own problem? I feel paralyzed. I'm so confused right now I don't think I could tie my own shoe. I don't know what to think or what to do. I'm afraid to talk to my friends and family about our problems- so I'm trying this. I need advice. Really. Does anyone know what is wrong with me? Am I at risk of losing my kids? Right now I am feeling extremely guilty for hitting him. But I'm also feeling very angry and resentful about it as well. ???? What is wrong with me???
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A note: When I posted this a pop up informed me that my post contains censored words. I went over it a few times and changed a few words I thought might have triggered this- as of now I can't figure out which words they are. My intention is not to offend any readers.
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im not sure, id say no. he should want his children to be successful. hitting probably isnt the best way to communicate even out of anger. however he shouldnt have been screaming at you.
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you shouldnt be with him if he lies to you, its not a healthy relationship, nothing is wrong with you, its him. you should talk to someone, maybe even the police. if he wnt let u leave ur being forced to do something u dnt want to do. its gonna be ok. it will just take time
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Thank you for the reply! I appreciate it.
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The crazy factor is- I know this. We're in therapy and like many women have said: I'm believing this can be helped. My biggest worry: After today I scared myself. He has never hit me. He's held me against my will, pushed me (a little), and kept me from leaving- but all this I understood as anger and emotional disorders. I've known abuse while growing up- sexual, my mother was an alcoholic. And I've understood that people who were raised that way tend to stay in abusive/troubled relationships easier than people who were raised by well adjusted parents. Oh, man... There is just so much to say and I appreciate everyone who would reply to this. I will be talking to my therapist about this.
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ok, well good luck, i mean i know abuse to. definitely talk to ur counselor about this, it could get worse. i hope not. everyone has problems, just remember your not alone.
good luck!
good luck!
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i think you should raise these issues to your councillor yourself and maybe try to focus on why you become so angry with him because it is not healthy for there t be any violence in a relationship whoever it may be coming from.. try to work on the fact that you love eachother and you want to be a secure family unit and see what it is in his behaviour that makes you want to lash out..good luck and i hope it works out for you both....Jenny
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You guys are fighting dirty - I went on a marriage encounter weekend where they taught my husband and I how to fight constructively. To be honest I'm with you - I would have hit him too. Husbands can be really dumb sometimes - I figure its just a guy thing and I will never understand it. I'm a woman after all and blonde too boot 
I got good and mad at my husband once and rather than hit him I just got out of the car in the middle of town and walked away leaving him to look after the baby in the back seat. We were at a traffic light and in the centre lane as I recall it.
It sure felt good let me tell you. Just walking away like that - but then I had to face the music when I got home again. The upside was I didn't have to go home till I calmed down so I chose when to face it - this way he didn't force the issue onto me when all the aces were in his hand so to speak.
It was 11pm at night and I was in town so it took a bit to get home when I had calmed down. I figured it wasn't the best outcome but it was the best one I could think of at the time. I was gone for a few hours - had a coffee and a big piece of chocolate cake and then went home and left the subject alone.
I rang a counsellor for me the first thing the following day and didn't talk to my husband until after I had my appointment. I figured saying nothing was better than saying the wrong thing if you get my drift.
In your case I think your husband is just being a jerk by my judgement - that said - he may have been sharing with you in all the wrong ways how frustrated he is with the lack of respect he gets all round - men these days have a hard time being men and sometimes they expect wives to be the understanding one. Mine is like that but has definatley got better with age and some marriage counselling.
Just between you and me - I have got better at being patient with him too so its a bit of give and take from each of us.
When I listen long enough he gets it off his chest and then he calms down and can't understand why I am still boiling mad. Its just I didn't feel I had a turn at being heard - thats where counselling helped me. Through counselling I got my chance to be heard.
Many years later I told my husband about secret womens business as we call it here in Australia. It goes like this. Every man is in reality married to at least 20 women and they don't know it.
This is how it works for me - I got so exasperated with not being undestood I developed a network of female advisors.(The other wives the menfolk don't know they are married to in a defacto kind of way) Women are so good at this we run rings around men a thousand times and they never even know we have even if we try and explain it to them in very simple english.
In my network we solved all our marriage problems, helped each other get a divorce if we needed to, minded each others kids and even solved our sexual difficulties over a big pot of tea and lots of home made cake. Now we are doing it with our grandchildren - it works a treat.
Mind you a few of us have obesity issues but we share them over the latest recipie for slimming cakes and herbal tea.
Men tend to think coffee mornings are a waste of space - in fact I believe they are the way women run the world behind the scenes. Men can have the accolades - women get the job done. As a woman I want the job done and I get a sense that is how you feel too.
No matter how hard they try men will never be women and no matter how hard we try we cannot make them into women so we have to let that fantasy go if we want to be practical.
Get the job done - do it the way women do it - get yourself an informal network and don't feel guilty about confiding in your trusted group your stuff. Men do things mens way and sometimes we women have to just let them. As you listen to the challenges your network members face you may decide this relationship has to end. On the other hand you may be like me and find another way to make it work even though some of the problems don't go away.
Here is something to try - catch a bus somewhere - say to a shopping mall accross town and start up a conversation with the person next to you - just ask them what they think of marriage these days and the wisdom that comes out will astonish you. Be creative and have fun solving your problems. Who knows what the right way is - there is just the way it works for you and yours.
I must say I was so proud of you for sticking at counselling for 6 months - way to go - it can be really hard yards and quite challenging. Keep on moving forward with the counselling and you will see light in the darkness and confusion currently surrounding you.
I pray you find a way to work together - but if that is not to be - I pray you make calm and rational decisions with good advice to move apart. My hot tip - resist the desire to make rash decisions when you are angry. If the feeling tone inside you is too high to make a rational decison - seek advice from your network or a counsellor and you will be doing the best anyone can do.
Blessings from
IcebergRose
I got good and mad at my husband once and rather than hit him I just got out of the car in the middle of town and walked away leaving him to look after the baby in the back seat. We were at a traffic light and in the centre lane as I recall it.
It sure felt good let me tell you. Just walking away like that - but then I had to face the music when I got home again. The upside was I didn't have to go home till I calmed down so I chose when to face it - this way he didn't force the issue onto me when all the aces were in his hand so to speak.
It was 11pm at night and I was in town so it took a bit to get home when I had calmed down. I figured it wasn't the best outcome but it was the best one I could think of at the time. I was gone for a few hours - had a coffee and a big piece of chocolate cake and then went home and left the subject alone.
I rang a counsellor for me the first thing the following day and didn't talk to my husband until after I had my appointment. I figured saying nothing was better than saying the wrong thing if you get my drift.
In your case I think your husband is just being a jerk by my judgement - that said - he may have been sharing with you in all the wrong ways how frustrated he is with the lack of respect he gets all round - men these days have a hard time being men and sometimes they expect wives to be the understanding one. Mine is like that but has definatley got better with age and some marriage counselling.
Just between you and me - I have got better at being patient with him too so its a bit of give and take from each of us.
When I listen long enough he gets it off his chest and then he calms down and can't understand why I am still boiling mad. Its just I didn't feel I had a turn at being heard - thats where counselling helped me. Through counselling I got my chance to be heard.
Many years later I told my husband about secret womens business as we call it here in Australia. It goes like this. Every man is in reality married to at least 20 women and they don't know it.
This is how it works for me - I got so exasperated with not being undestood I developed a network of female advisors.(The other wives the menfolk don't know they are married to in a defacto kind of way) Women are so good at this we run rings around men a thousand times and they never even know we have even if we try and explain it to them in very simple english.
In my network we solved all our marriage problems, helped each other get a divorce if we needed to, minded each others kids and even solved our sexual difficulties over a big pot of tea and lots of home made cake. Now we are doing it with our grandchildren - it works a treat.
Mind you a few of us have obesity issues but we share them over the latest recipie for slimming cakes and herbal tea.
Men tend to think coffee mornings are a waste of space - in fact I believe they are the way women run the world behind the scenes. Men can have the accolades - women get the job done. As a woman I want the job done and I get a sense that is how you feel too.
No matter how hard they try men will never be women and no matter how hard we try we cannot make them into women so we have to let that fantasy go if we want to be practical.
Get the job done - do it the way women do it - get yourself an informal network and don't feel guilty about confiding in your trusted group your stuff. Men do things mens way and sometimes we women have to just let them. As you listen to the challenges your network members face you may decide this relationship has to end. On the other hand you may be like me and find another way to make it work even though some of the problems don't go away.
Here is something to try - catch a bus somewhere - say to a shopping mall accross town and start up a conversation with the person next to you - just ask them what they think of marriage these days and the wisdom that comes out will astonish you. Be creative and have fun solving your problems. Who knows what the right way is - there is just the way it works for you and yours.
I must say I was so proud of you for sticking at counselling for 6 months - way to go - it can be really hard yards and quite challenging. Keep on moving forward with the counselling and you will see light in the darkness and confusion currently surrounding you.
I pray you find a way to work together - but if that is not to be - I pray you make calm and rational decisions with good advice to move apart. My hot tip - resist the desire to make rash decisions when you are angry. If the feeling tone inside you is too high to make a rational decison - seek advice from your network or a counsellor and you will be doing the best anyone can do.
Blessings from
IcebergRose
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hiya coffeeson! after reading your post today, and im very glad i did, im beggining to think i need to get out of the relationship im in, your question am i abusive? huni i dont want to sound nasty as i genuinely think you were goaded into it, but physical abuse isnt acceptable! i dont think you are abuse, i think as you say for you it was genuinely heat of the moment not to happen again anger! but why im writing to you is to try and actually see if what your going through is anything similar to what im going through as sometimes i sit and cry for hours on end, thinking that its me, im the problem too!! but thinking about it realisticly, i dont think we are, you say your husband shouts and screams at you, holds you against your will, pushes you etc well i too have seen this and been on the recieving end from my partner, we are currently verging on splitting things are that bad! i have a 3 year old son by a man i was with for a year and a half, i got together with my partner just over 2 years ago, one day my partner and i had gone shopping and we were out the whole day, not really spent any quality time together and my son was due back that night at 7pm, so i sent a message to my sons dad to ask if he could possibly bring him bk in the morning instead, hes a great dad and my son loves seeing him so its all good, i then tell my partner my sons stayin with his dad for the night n my partner goes mad, why are you texting him while im not there, you do not text him unless im there, blah blah blah, i get angry and upset and rather than argue because i hate arguing i walk away, go home, as im walking through the door as funny as this sounds if you try to picture it it actually wasnt at the time i was crying it hurt that much, he shut the door, i was there both arms out the door trapped by the door, he was pushing so hard its was unture, i had to try my hardest to pull my arm back through the door and push him so i could get out, i started walking home and all i get is text after text of abuse, its only a 15 minute walk form his to mine, and by the time id got there my arm was literally black, a huge black thick bruise round my arm where hed pressed the door on me, i went mad, dont ever come near me again, ur an abussive so and so and your lucky i dont call the police, as i say this he starts threatening to slag me off to all and sundry etc i ask him why he did it and show him the bruise, what does he say? i didnt know you were in the door i thought it was your foot!!! he was right next to me pushing the door, how the watsit can you mistake a foot for a whole body??? i get constant arguements if im not at his on time or i dont spend as much time with him as he wants, i think these types of men are very very selfish men and may have some kind of narscisistic personality disorder, he like you said your man has, has pushed me before, alot!!!! hes pushed with with huge force, hes pushed me with my son in my arms and had to catch me or hed have hurt both of us, he keeps me from leaving when i dont want to argue, stands infront of the door, hes ripped bags off my arms bruising my arms, and now months later he decides to make jokes about it thinking its funny! everything i say i would love to do he puts down, no youd mess that up, oh its so hard etc and then says oh i didnt mean it i would never think anythin bad of you blah blah blah! he really does make me feel like its all me, i came home early last night because he insulted me then told me he was only joking, then because i was going started insulting me even more, taking it as far as making me out to be a bad mom!! i actually put my son 1st in everything i do! hes my life! he always talks like we dont get enough time together on our own like he sees my son as being in the way, but im not allowed to have a problem with that as he thinks im trying to say something bad about him, im at the same point as you, i just dont know what to think anymore!!! 
x
x
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Iceberg Rose: Loved it! I need to go to bed soon so I will get back to a reply tomorrow-
Dianna25: I can see the similarities. My guy- let's call him 'Ken'- has a very volatile temper and has done much damage. He's born and raised Asian so he has the male dominant/machismo factor and that in itself is a turbulent battle. His previous marriage was a disaster- his ex wife cheated on him with another woman, etc... It was ugly. I know he has insecurity and trust issues- which makes tiffs and even regular conversations a trial at times. One thing I will say, however, is he has never insulted me (slighted yes- but that was in a heated verbal fight and we were both being verbally nasty). But from what you wrote about being verbally abused on a regular basis- I would implore you to seek professional counseling for yourself. I'm not going to toot my own horn here- I'm in no position. I also don't believe I have every right to say- leave him- but, If he is physically 'rough' it is not OK. Yes- some people are raised in 'rough' families and they haven't learned how to respect peoples boundaries, but keep an eye on that- if they can't learn FOR you then I'd say time think of alternatives, like leaving (sorry to say it). But- the fact that he verbally abuses you, on a regular basis, as well- I think it's time to reassess the relationship and really start considering moving on. Yes- there is no such thing as a perfect relationship/marriage, but- there are some things that are really unnecessary and very, very damaging. It sounds like he is on the controlling side and a bit manipulative- dangerous combo. Also- if he is treating you like this- will he also treat your son this way as well? I think couples counseling would be a good start- and I think if he is opposed to it- heave ho!! A man having a really bad temper is one thing, but a man/woman with bad temper plus being controlling/manipulating... it sounds like he has the bases loaded- physical, mental, and emotional abuse. You deserve better- and it's out there!!
Dianna25: I can see the similarities. My guy- let's call him 'Ken'- has a very volatile temper and has done much damage. He's born and raised Asian so he has the male dominant/machismo factor and that in itself is a turbulent battle. His previous marriage was a disaster- his ex wife cheated on him with another woman, etc... It was ugly. I know he has insecurity and trust issues- which makes tiffs and even regular conversations a trial at times. One thing I will say, however, is he has never insulted me (slighted yes- but that was in a heated verbal fight and we were both being verbally nasty). But from what you wrote about being verbally abused on a regular basis- I would implore you to seek professional counseling for yourself. I'm not going to toot my own horn here- I'm in no position. I also don't believe I have every right to say- leave him- but, If he is physically 'rough' it is not OK. Yes- some people are raised in 'rough' families and they haven't learned how to respect peoples boundaries, but keep an eye on that- if they can't learn FOR you then I'd say time think of alternatives, like leaving (sorry to say it). But- the fact that he verbally abuses you, on a regular basis, as well- I think it's time to reassess the relationship and really start considering moving on. Yes- there is no such thing as a perfect relationship/marriage, but- there are some things that are really unnecessary and very, very damaging. It sounds like he is on the controlling side and a bit manipulative- dangerous combo. Also- if he is treating you like this- will he also treat your son this way as well? I think couples counseling would be a good start- and I think if he is opposed to it- heave ho!! A man having a really bad temper is one thing, but a man/woman with bad temper plus being controlling/manipulating... it sounds like he has the bases loaded- physical, mental, and emotional abuse. You deserve better- and it's out there!!
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