Depression Forum - alone , angry , lost

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Q: alone , angry , lost

asked by: whoIam on February 11th, 2009

New User

OK well let me first give y'all a background. I am 17 almost 18 I have ADHD and have received treatment for it from about age 8 I stopped treatment but i was put back on due to falling grades and i have an IQ of 127 but i have auditory processing disorder(apd). I no longer see a psychologist i just see a regular Doctor but i do see a therapist for depression i just cant ever tell her anything. Now you have a background.

I have suffered for about 4 years but for no real reason. I became depressed before bad things started i had an OK childhood... i mean wasn't great at making friends i spent a lot of time alone because i didn't want to be around anyone i just wanted to think and not about anything important i would just think about everything and i was happy alone. My older sister played sports (football) and my dad supported her in that and was always there for games and everything
she did but when i started to play the violin not once was he supportive so i stopped playing.
I also was left home alone a lot because they would let me while they went to visit family friends. But as a young child i had a fear of and obsession with death and what happens after(not like little kid crying because his puppie died more like what is it like to die, is afterlife real). but i had a fine childhood nothing bad happened to me i have nothing to really be depressed over.

Sorry i am typing a lot. well to the point I am now angry at everything, teacher tells me to do my work... i just want to stand up and punch him in the face, parents say hi when i get home... i think SHUT THE F*** UP. i could list for hours. i never say any of the things or do anything.

No matter how many people i am around i feel alone even when i am with my girl friend i always feel alone.

Depression comes and stays for weeks some times 7 weeks at a time i might have like an hour or 2 of non-depression a day when it comes then it may go away for a few weeks then it all starts over again but some times it will go away for months but when it comes it stays for weeks.

I never feel like doing anything i just feel sleeping all the time and do nothing. nothing matters ever. a while back my grandmother died lived 30 mins away from us, i didn't care and i do not understand why i wouldn't care. my uncle due to remarriage on my grandmothers side walked out of a hospital barricaded him self in her house (weeks after she died) then cops raided the house he shot a cop then him self with a shot gun... i only felt anger because we have talked him out of barricades before and he would have come out if they waited but i didn't care he was dead. If i lose a friend its like nothing happened i never care about anything.

as for friends i have 2 real friends that i trust. when people classify me they say i am Gothic and i do have morbid obsession and darker side as some say. but i do not hang out with anyone really because either they will not understand. and just to be clear i am not on anti depressants nor do i take illicit drugs.

also i have been known to hurt my self but i really don't want to hear anything about it because i already hear it enough and tell someone to stop or go get help just makes it worse then adds a feeling of guilt.

Replies(4)

venison

replied on February 13th, 2009

New User

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. A lot of the things you say resonate with me as well, like feeling like you're depressed for years with no real reason, having a lot of death anxiety, even playing the violin for a while!

When you say you really have nothing to be depressed over though, I don't think that's quite true, obviously SOMETHING is making you feel this way. I don't pretend to be able to know what, but it could be anything from some traumatic childhood event buried in your subconscious, or maybe even just feeling generally alienated from everyone else because you're very intelligent and people don't understand where your mind is or what wavelength you're constantly on. None of it is your fault. Or maybe you just feel trapped and you need a positive environment where you can truly express yourself.

I myself started thinking a LOT about death and what happens after when I was 17. It really made me extremely depressed, but my parents didn't really seem to notice or care if I was sad. Or at least, they never did anything to help. The reason thinking about death made me sad and worried is because my whole life beforehand I was raised to believe in a heaven, but as I grew older I began to doubt that, and my life-long hopes of seeing gone relatives were being killed.

Don't worry though, even though sometimes it may feel like there's nothing out there and the world might as well end, once you graduate and travel to new places, the world opens up and you realized how small and stifling the world was when you were 17. I myself thought things could never get any better when I was around that age, but trust me, they do.

Pencalato

replied on February 14th, 2009

New User

Could I recommend a book?

Hi,

I am NOT a religious person at all, but I recently read a book called Conversations with God. It is a spiritual book that answers many of the questions we all have that contribute to that lost, lonely, depressed, angry with the world, separate feeling we have from other people. It also discusses in detail life after death and reasons why we are here. It's more of a self-help book. There is also a Conv With God for teenagers, though I have never read it. You can buy it on Ebay or Amazon.com super cheap. When I feel emotions that are difficult to deal with I call a friend or read a book or engage in an athletic activity which gives me "happy" endorphins. Get a therapist that you can open up to otherwise you are wasting your time. There's also a documentary, not great, but the message is good called The Secret (Blockbuster). The topic is covered in the book previously mentioned but in a nutshell "what you focus on expands," and the energy you put out is the energy you attract. In other words, if you're in the habit of thinking negatively you CREATE more negativity and draw negative things, people, and experiences towards you. It reminds us that we have a choice. I know it's hard to believe sometimes but you can CHOOSE to be happy or feel connected or whatever you want. Try it once. "Act as if..." When you are in a situation catch yourself. Do you want to be happy or sad, lonely or connected? If you catch yourself you will find your thoughts have been controlling you vs the other way around. Why don't you find something you are really interested in and focus on that? Find something that matters TO YOU (and you don't need approval or support from anyone but yourself). If you do something for yourself (violin) you don't need it. It can be a goal or a hobby or studying to get good grades for you and to go to college (a challenge for you, not for approval/response from someone else) or health (ADHD) or whatever you want. When your teacher tells you something, or anyone else, you can change your perception of what they say and make it work to your own benefit. "Do your work!" could mean to you that your teacher is actually acknowledging your existence and cares. Wow. That would make me feel better than the teacher is picking on me and I wanna bop her over the head. Each of us is unique and amazing. Just be yourself. You don't need the approval of others. You may be different from other people and that's okay. Just remember, if you are different it's because you choose to be or you perceive yourself to be. If you want the world to be different then it will be if you believe it to be true. Maybe too philosophical for you but I'm just trying to help.

whoIam

replied on February 16th, 2009

New User

I know one of the things that stress me, I am bisexual and i cant tell my family. I live In a town were its just not OK to be gay. I know I am Bi and i am OK with it. I do not get crap about it at school because only people i can trust know. but my father truly does not like me because i don't do the things he likes, i "scare my brother"(I yell at him when he bothers me, he is 12 yelling from a brother isn't that bad my sister used to chase me and beat me down for stealing 5$ from her), i have gotten in physical fights with my dad over grades. He has told me if he legally could he would kick me out of the house. If i told him i was Bi it throw him over the edge.

I Do a lot of self bettering stuff and mind set. I am a weight lifter (in the 123.5 class although i only weigh 121 lb and i lift the most for my class 135 bench, 225 squat we don't do cleans or jerks here we train BFS style) but sill none of it lasts.

Its not that I am alone its that I want to be alone but people want to be around me. I am not the popular guy but i am also not a loser. I like to be alone to be honest, its peaceful nothing to stress you nothing to worry about just you and your mind free to think.

My posts are scatter brained i hope it doesn't bother you i just don't feel like fixing it. I will post more later i just don't feel like it now.

Pencalato

replied on February 16th, 2009

New User

For your ADHD, Depression, moods...

It is a success story of someone who had ADHD that was helped with nutritional supplements (not drugs).

A change of diet always helps the mood and ability to deal with stress. Do a food diary and see what causes happiness and sadness. It has been suggested that all mental and physical ailments are as a result of improper diet resulting in hormonal and chemical imbalance.

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