almost 28 and never had a relationship

tonight I am just so desperate, that I googled for something related to what I'm going through and found a similar topic on this website...I could really use advice...or anything...

I will be 28 years old this friday...my life hasn't been easy...I struggled with depression and low self esteem most of my life,2 years ago I was sick of it,of being depressed...I got help and got better,I went on medication for depression and my life changed dramatically...I finally graduated from university, I was a happy person, everyone saw the change and I felt it...I started pursuing my goals...

one of them, the most important, was to move back to the city where I was born and find a job, this city is bigger and better than where I lived before...I did it, it's been almost 10 months...I had always dreamed of coming back here,I had always thought my life here would have been different...and since I can't go back,I wanted to come here and do everything I had dreamed of...I still have time...

I've never had a boyfriend...nobody had ever showed even the smallest hint of interest in me...ever, seriously...that's one of the reasons for my depression..and that's what made me a shy person...but after my treatment I realized I'm amazing, hehe, and I'm a lot more confident now...so I felt....ready...to go out with guys...I felt like it was time...to come out of my shell I guess...

moving to a city where you don't know anyone but family is not easy,I have co-workers,we get along really good and we do go out once in a while, it's really cool...but aside from them, I don't know anyone else....I was planning on getting some language classes or whatever...so I could meet people...but my work hours didnt allow it...so I just tried to really get along with people from work...people can help you meet new people right? so far...nothing....then one night I just thought of using a chat room to meet people from this city.....so far, I've met 5 of them in person...

the first was very special,we had the most awesome date I've ever had,I know that's not saying a lot,since I haven't had many dates,lol...but it was awesome...it ended with my first kiss ever...I will never forget it...it was like in a movie...but that was it...we haven't seen each other again...he lives one hour away...which was a mistake...but there was this...spark between us from the moment we talked....he came just to see me...but that was it...we are still in touch,he talks of coming here again...but nothing...I have already forgotten about it...we are just friends now...

the second guy was...great,he does live in this city,we talked for hours and hours on msn....he invited me to a baseball game,we had fun,at least he seemed to be having fun...but I said I was cold and the date ended....we hasnt asked me out anymore and we havent talked much either...I wasnt so excited with this guy...I liked him as a friend,so that was ok...

the third guy,a few years older than me...we went to a coffee place once..and then once for dinner and a third date to the movies...but we are just friends too,we can talk a lot and share things...but that's it...

the 4th,we met and started some sort of relationship...he seems so into it...and I'm not...there are things about him that I like...but I do not want a relationship with him...I see the bad things...how he doesnt have a proper job or the way he eats or just stupid things that drive me crazy...I broke whatever it was we had, he begged me to get back together...we did,I tried...but I don't want to hurt him...so it's over...he still calls me and says he wants to change,he wants to be with me...I just...I cry all the time because I feel so bad...I wish it was different,I wish I could feel the same...he's a good person,sweet,caring...but I just don't like him..there are a lot of things about him I don't like...I hate that sometimes I wish he was a little bit different,because that way I would want to be with him...

I now understand a lot of things...about rejection...it's not that there is a problem with the person...it's just that...there is something missing...that feeling...it's not there...

I met the 5th guy in person almost 2 weeks ago,before that we only talked for a week on msn...he had said he had a girlfriend...I thought then we would be friends...he is the only one that seems sort of like me...we are the same age, we have many things in common...so I thought we could have a friendship...I was so stupid to think I could meet his girlfriend and their friends...he talked about it,about inviting me when they went out and I really did want that!!! but he then started calling me on my cell phone...once or twice...his voice was amazing and we talked for hours, he seemed interested...he said my voice was addictive...and I felt something...he had said we should go out for coffee...one night he called and I told him he owed me the coffee and so we went out for it...I had a wonderful time...from all the guys,he is the one I would like a relationship with...I feel we have things in common and he seems more...normal...I just liked him...that night we left the coffee place and in the parking lot he said something that I didnt really get....when I got home he called,he said he had suggested we go somewhere else...we took a walk or something,to stay together...but I didnt get the hint and it was too late...we talked all night on the phone...we've been in touch,but not so much,he hasnt called...just through msn...

I realized nothing was going to happen,so I tried to forget...I go into the chat every night trying to meet someone else...but nothing....

tonight he is online,his msn has a message that says: "less than one month,I'm excited"....I asked what it was about...he said he's getting married on april 30th...and now I just cant stop crying...I just can't believe or understand why things work this way....why we have to like the people that dont like us...and dislike the ones that do....

I just dont get it...I now have all the confidence I could have...I know I am amazing and I have a lot to offer...it's not about self esteem anymore...I just...I never thought I would feel this way,I have this...idea of the person I want to be with...and I just don't care about the other guys that are interested in me....there is this guy I met a few days ago,he insists on meeting in person...I know he is a good person,but I've seen his pictures and from what we have talked, I just dont like him! and I dont want to hurt him...

I'm going crazy...I feel bad...as if I'm asking too much from one person,I'm not,I just want a normal guy,with a job and that I like physically...I dont just want to be with someone that likes me....I want to be with someone that I like too!! it has to be mutual! this is so hard....I just don't know what to do...I've come to a point where I am desperate to meet someone....to find someone...it's insane...