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Q: All sorts of HIV symptoms

asked by: AlmostPositive on March 15th, 2008

New User

I am a 29 year old female, married for five years, completely monogamous relationship, however, when I was younger I did engage in risky sexual behavior and have never been tested. In the past six months I have had night sweats and red spots all over my body, some are itchy, some look like blood spots, and some look like they are under the skin. In the past three months I have had rock hard enlarged lymph nodes in my neck, they feel matted together and very large. I have tried to explain away these symptoms to myself for the past six months, but this weekend I found a sore spot on my leg and now I am positive that I am positive. I broke down and told my husband that I think I am HIV positive. We have spent all day crying and trying to figure out how something like this could happen to people like us, but doesn't everyone feel that way... We are going to a clinic to get tested on Monday, and I assure you, I am beyond composure. My husband is taking more of a lets just wait and see approach, but really, all these symptoms are too specific to be anything else, at least, that's what I feel deep inside my bones. I just needed to get this all out b/c I don't want to overwhelm my poor husband with my anxiety. He is trying to remain calm and keeps saying we are fine. I am not as concerned about myself as I am about him. He is so wonderful and so undeserving of this. I am praying so hard that he does not have HIV. I just can't even seem to wrap my head around the fact that my life is over. I feel that when I test positive on Monday that I will not be able to go on, but my husband assures me we will stick together through this thing, positive or negative or mixed results. He says there is no way that if I have it he doesn't, but I don't think this is true. I have heard of couples where one has it and the other doesn't. All I can say is Please God let my husband be okay. I will try to post on Monday after my test, I am getting a rapid test so will have the results that day. I may be too upset (actually I WILL be too upset) to post I am sure, but I just ask that you all keep me in your prayers and please pray that my husband is not infected and will live a long and happy life like he deserves. Thank you.

Replies(16)

AlmostPositive

replied on March 15th, 2008

New User

and as I sit here hoping someone, anyone responds...

I am filled with guilt, self-loathing, worthlessness, and despair. I had turned away from God last year, when I started losing my hair due to PCOS. I have now called upon Him to be there for me, even though I have doubted him in the past. How stupid that I worried so much over something so unimportant as hair and that I blamed God for not keeping it on my head. I read a post a second ago about how God forgives us and that we should forgive ourselves...it made me cry, well, I haven't stopped crying since seven this morning, but it made me cry more... I will never forgive myself if I have given HIV to my husband...NEVER. But yes, I can feel God with me today, keeping me sane, keeping me strong. I will need Him more than ever now. I am so upset when I think of my parents, how they raised me to do things right and how I ruined my life and possibly someone else's because I was too stupid to take precaution, they will be devastated and I cannot explain in words how much this hurts. I won't tell them, my mom would not be able to cope. She loves me so much... I am in a state right now... I'm not sure I can do this...

Muthoni

replied on March 16th, 2008

Supporter

Almost Positive, you are not alone no matter what the case may be. Everyone should protect themselves, don't feel guilty. You are very courageous to take the steps you have taken and I pray that you have the courage to carry on. You can do this. I'll be praying for you and also waiting for your update when you are ready.

Please don't panic and remember to breath.

God is always holding us even when we feel like we have left Him.

I have had AIDS for more than 15 years. It is no longer a death sentence. Take good care of yourself, exercise and take your medication. Life goes on.

All the best
Mson.

missanonymous

replied on March 16th, 2008

New User

DON'T GIVE UP

AlmostPositive, I feel your pain. I am reading your posts and I know the hurt, guilt and anger you feel. I may be HIV too, but I don't know for sure yet. My symptoms have been nowhere severe as yours (mine are: lumps on my legs-possibly lymphoma, a cough that ive had since December, and slight fatigue-and that might not even be HIV related since I am pretty overweight). the encounter i may have contracted HIV occured in late november. I got tested earlier this month and it came out negative, but im not sure that its right so i am going to take another test in 2 months. What makes it even scarier for me is, I'm only 18 years old..

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, even if you are positive, don't give up hope. PLEASE don't. Whether you are negative or positive, please let us know. I know it's hard -REALLY hard- but we're here for you. I came to this forum to find hope and connection when I had none, and I found it. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

Love,
MA

missanonymous

replied on March 16th, 2008

New User

AlmostPositive, I feel your pain. I am reading your posts and I know the hurt, guilt and anger you feel. I may be HIV too, but I don't know for sure yet. My symptoms have been nowhere severe as yours (mine are: lumps on my legs-possibly lymphoma, a cough that ive had since December, and slight fatigue-and that might not even be HIV related since I am pretty overweight - and tingling in my feet and hands). the encounter i may have contracted HIV occured in late november. I got tested earlier this month and it came out negative, but im not sure that its right so i am going to take another test in 3 months. What makes it really sad for me is, im only 18. but I am using all the willpower, hope and courage I have to keep going thru my days.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, even if you are positive, don't give up hope. PLEASE don't. Whether you are negative or positive, please let us know. I know it's hard -REALLY hard- but we're here for you. I came to this forum to find hope and connection when I had none, and I found it. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

Love,
MA

AlmostPositive

replied on March 16th, 2008

New User

thanks for the reply

It is 5am here and still no sleep will come, my husband and I haven't eaten or slept since Friday night. To think we have to wait until Monday, well, its driving us mad. I keep telling myself maybe I don't have it, but then I'll think about all of my symptoms and know that this is a false hope. I don't know how I will go back to work or school or do any of those normal things I did before this scary weekend. The worst part is seeing my husband this way, he is trying to stay strong for me, but the situation is almost too much to bear. We just look at each other and I start to cry. I want to believe that I will be able to cope with being HIV positive, but right now I can't even imagine how I will do that. I live in a small community and everybody knows everybody. I feel I must keep this a secret, but how to do that when I will surely fall apart and everyone will want to know why. We've been praying nonstop, but my prayers are for my husband alone. I want him to have the life both of us deserved, HIV free and happy. I am in awe of all of you who have lived with this for so many years, strong and uplifting and not taken down by this disease. I feel like I will fade away fairly quickly, that everything will strike me down and make me sick. Please keep praying for us. Thank you so much for your support Mson and MA, it really means alot to me to know that I am not alone. Good luck MA on your results, I will add you to my prayers. Mson you are an inspiration. God Bless.

AlmostPositive

replied on March 16th, 2008

New User

another hour has passed

And I have been crying uncontrollably since my last post. I have never experienced anything like this before and I feel like I am losing it. I keep imagining what Monday will be like and I keep picturing the nurse telling me that I'm positive and then I try to think about what to do next... how to find a doctor that can help me, how to keep it together in front of my family and friends. My friends have been calling all day (yesterday, but its still like Saturday to me since I haven't been to sleep) and I can't even answer the phone. They are already worried and nothing has even happened yet. They don't know anything, but its not like me to avoid their phone calls. I feel like I will never be the same again, never be happy again, never smile, never laugh, never feel joy... I feel like God gave me so many wonderful things in this life and I just went and threw it all away. I can't stop thinking about how Monday is going to change my life, regardless of the result. Either way, I am changed. Please pray for negative results for me and my husband, maybe there is a small chance I am not positive, maybe there is something else wrong with me, maybe things will be okay...

AlmostPositive

replied on March 16th, 2008

New User

3 hours from test

I found an AIDS task force clinic that gives rapid HIV tests by appointment, so I am going today and will test in three hours. This has been the worst day of my life and I feel totally lost and unable to cope. I am crying uncontrollably to the point where my husband had to leave. He couldn't take it any longer. I feel like I am not myself anymore, like something has been taken from me. I don't even know why I'm posting, nothing is making me feel better, no one can help me. I'm scared for how my husband will take it, he keeps saying over and over that we don't have it and I'm so afraid he won't be able to take it if we are. I can't even think straight right now... I wouldn't wish this on anyone... I pray that everything will be alright. Deep down I worry that its too late.

Muthoni

replied on March 16th, 2008

Supporter

You are so wise to realize that you have changed and will change regardless of the results.

Wishing you well and thanks for writing. Don't give up writing. We are here for you and your husband.

AlmostPositive

replied on March 16th, 2008

New User

To Muthoni

Thank you SO much for your support. I've read alot of your posts and I have thought alot about you today. I even told my husband about you, about your strength and your perseverance. It's what we talked about on the way to the Clinic. Our results were NEGATIVE! I have been through so much these past two days and I am so grateful to you for reading my posts and responding to me. There isn't much you can say to someone who has convinced herself that she has HIV and that she is devastated by it, but you always said the right things that made me feel hope. On the way to the Clinic I was completely calm and secure in knowing that I was doing the right thing, regardless of the what the outcome would be. It is better to know than to constantly wonder and worry. I want to tell everyone reading this post, I see how you worry, I was just like you, maybe even worse! But no matter how many symptoms you have (and I do believe that sometimes we have these symptoms, its not always just in our heads) you cannot assume it is HIV even if the symptoms fall into those that occur with HIV. There are many different things that can cause those same symptoms, so get tested and know for sure. I was scared to get tested, I was so convinced of what the result would be, so for six months I suffered with swollen lymph nodes that have enlarged to the point where I can hardly turn my neck when I should have been at the doctor's office immediately asking for a biopsy instead of worrying about taking the HIV test. Get tested and get peace of mind. This weekend has truly changed my life. My husband and I are closer than ever and I am secure in the knowledge that I am HIV negative. I am not worrying any longer! It feels really good. Thank you again Muthoni. I will never forget this weekend and I will never forget you. God Bless You. I asked God to send me an angel, and he sent me you!

Muthoni

replied on March 16th, 2008

Supporter

Praise the Lord Hallelujah

Praise Jesus.

AlmostPositive

replied on March 16th, 2008

New User

Hallelujah Indeed!

I gave out three hallelujahs right there in the counselors office when he showed me my results. I was overcome with tears of joy, finally tears with no despair behind them.

Muthoni

replied on March 16th, 2008

Supporter

Almost Positive.

I am very happy for you and your husband. I saw how you removed yourself away from self pity and hoped with all your heart that your husband was not infected. that is love in the first degree. You have learned a lot of lessons on this one. I think it would be wise to go and see a doctor and explain all the symptoms you have so that you can get treatment. We need you nice and healthy.

I welcome you to join http://ehealthforum.com/health/topic128463 .html

You have great courage and you know how to use the resources around you. I remember what a lonely fives years I led before I came clean with my AIDS. I could not trust people. Like I remember disclosing to my best friend and then telling her that I was lying.

Enjoy your new life. You faced yourself and I thank God for showing Himself strong. Prayer changes things.

Love
Muthoni (Mson)

AlmostPositive

replied on March 17th, 2008

New User

To Muthoni

This experience has brought me closer to God than I have ever been in my life. My husband and I are both so changed now. All that little stuff just doesn't matter anymore, its all about our faith in God and our dedication to each other. It's like God has given us a second chance to do things right. I can't help but cry, even now, when I think about the presence of God yesterday and how I could feel him close to me while I grieved for all the things I thought I had lost. I could feel him reassuring me that everything would be okay, either way. I am going to the doctor on Wednesday to find out exactly what is wrong with me, but I am not worrying about it. I can't do that to myself again. I leave it in God's hands and know that I am safe there. I can't thank you enough for being there for me when I had no one else to turn to. I'm all teary eyed again!! Smile

You really are an angel!! Thank you for inviting me to join, I will. I am glad that you were able to trust again and I am glad that you didn't just give up. You have helped me more than I can say. I sat up all night the night before the test and read all of the posts you had written to everyone, and it gave me hope. I thank God for this experience, as hard and frightening as it was, it has truly made me see what is important. It has also made my husband's faith so much stronger. He was never one to pray or go to church, though he always said he believed in God. Now he is ready to start a Christian life together and we are ready to try for a baby. I am just so grateful. Thank you again for everything.

Love,
Wendy

Muthoni

replied on March 17th, 2008

Supporter

Wendy

Thanks so much for writing. If that whole experience was supposed to bring you closer to God, then it has served its purpose. I am glad you are not sweating the small stuff. It is indeed a second chance in life. For those tears I sing you a chorus, "And Jesus come, to the waters stand mbae my side, I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied, I felt every tear drop, when in darkness you cried, and I strove to remind you, that for tears I died."

Write all your symptoms down for Wednesday and remember to tell the doctor that you got a negative HIV test. Way too cool.

You are an angel

too my friend. Look at how you felt about your husband. You had put yourself aside and focused on him. That is so awesome my dear. Thanks for reading all my post and finding in them hope. I work for God. So glad to hear that you are moving along in life. All the best in your spiritual growth and have fun making baby. We have been trying for baby since 2005 with one miscarriage. At my age it more difficult to get pregnant and more chances of getting a miscarriage. We keep trying and hoping that God's will be done.

I was 29 years old when my life turned around. 29 years old just like you. I stopped stealing and lying. I was almost deported back to Kenya for having AIDS, cleaning houses without a permit (better than prostitution) and also I had lost my passport but God saved me. I went straight to the AIDS office and asked to be taught how to speak about AIDS. Almost ten years later, I am still doing AIDS work. Rather, God's work. I started AIDS work in 1993 in Kenya speaking to prostitutes and secretaries. My reward for that was a ticket to Canada. God is great. I am not six feet under the ground.

Hope to see you here or over at the other topic.
Love
Muthoni (Mson)

missanonymous

replied on March 17th, 2008

New User

Wendy, I'm so happy for you!

That's so so so great that you're negative. The possibility was very real, and the test came out negative. That's so great. I admire you for having the courage to see the test through.

<3,
MA

Beline

replied on April 13th, 2008

Supporter

Thank God for being HIV negative, but thank Him for giving you a wonderful husband too. You are a very lucky girl to have him.
I'm very, very happy for you!

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