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Alcoholic father

I am 22 years old and i despise my father. There is not one good quality i like about him. Quite honestly i envy people who dont know there father cuz id sooner have no father then the one i do. I know you only get one and your supposed to love them unconditionally but our relationship has degraded so far over the years that i can never forgive him, respect him, or love him.

He is a horrible alcoholic. There is never a day that he isnt drunk. He goes to work, come home, and is drunk within an hour. When he gets drunk he turns into a terrible human being. He never stops yelling for hours on end about trivial things. He is terrible racist and it really shows when he is drunk. And he is just lazy. He lies on his couch drinking and shouting and ordering people around. And when u dont do something exactly how he wants it he gets angry and starts fights.

Now he hasnt been physically abusive too much in a long time but when we were little he wasnt afraid to hit when he was angry. This stopped when he broke my older sisters collar bone but occasionaly more violence will happen just not to often. There are the occasions where he was hit my mother or pushed her, this usually leads to me beating the hell out of him.

In the past we used to just ignore it and just blame it on his alcoholism but now as it gets worse and he gets nastier the fights are more frequent. Its gotten to the point where just the sight of him angers me and the second he talks bad of my mother i want to hurt him. I am not an angry person or violent but i am just so fed up of what he has put my family through that i lose it with him. He has already driven both my sisters away and id be gone to if not for fear of what he might do to my mother.

My mother wont divorce him though. Mainly cuz she says he is still a good person when he is sober (which is never) and because of monetary and property issues. He refuses to change though and will never give up drinking no matter how much it tears the family apart. I feel as though i have never had a father cuz he has never done anything fatherly. One shouldnt hate their father so much but i feel that even if by some miracle he was to change i would never be able to forgive him.

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you so much so frequently? How can u being to repair the damage that has already been done? And if they refuse to change what else can you do besides abandon them?
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First Helper winniethepooh
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replied December 23rd, 2008
a hug...
my dad is not an alcoholic, but when him and my mom were going through their divorce he'd take all his rage out on me and my sister and brother.. i still have some scars to hide.

worst thing is my brother turned to be violent as well, and used to beat me to take his pain out...

dear... i don't think "supposed" works here. and i don't think a lifetime of abuse should be forgiven or forgotten.
the best you can do is to build your life from scratch, far from the people that abused you...
and yes, even if your mom wont.

you deserve more than this.
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replied June 18th, 2009
I am 23 years old and currently living with my alcoholic father and my mother. I understand your rage, anger and hatred. In fact, hatred is an emotion I have been feeling intensly over the past while and it is a horrible feeling that no one wants. However it seems to come with the territory of having a substance abuser as a parent.

I can't get out of my situation until at least another year. What I would suggest to you if you are financially independant is to get out. Even if you are struggling for cash try to find a way, maybe a caring relative or sibling could help get you away from the situation.

Of course you don't want to leave your mother. Sit her down explain that you need to go for your own sanity and ask her to come with you. If she refuses to go that is her choice, you shouldn't feel guilty for that, we all have to make choices and take responsibililty for our own lives.

By your own admission your father will never give up alcohol, neither will mine, it will always be number one before anyone else. Therefore you should leave and take care of yourself even though it's extremely difficult especially at the start but it will be worth it in the end. You are young and life for you should not be this way, you should be enjoying life, you deserve that as much as anybody else.

I hope it works out for you.

Best of Luck.
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replied August 29th, 2011
I am 14 years old and my father is an alcoholic.I am the youngest of my family,my sister is 26 and my brothers[twins]are 32.He has been an alcoholic my whole life and most of my siblings life.He has never been physically abusive to me but that was because things swere so bad before I was born that my mother had to get a restraining order.One of my brothers was a bit of a rebel.He would talk back to my father and my father made his life a living hell.When my brother finished his education he left for America.I have only seen him twice in my life.He has a wife and two children.He believes alcoholism is genetic as he was becoming a bit like his father.He has joined A.A. and he has beome better.He is verbally very abusive.He is never at home and when he is he's drunk.I had a dog once and alcohol killed him by assosiation.My father was walking my dog[Lucky] and he was lokking at cattle.He then got a call from his drinking buddy a man who a several children a wife and a girlfriend and is in debt.He immediately raced back to go drinking,leaving my dog alone.Lucky tracked my fathers scent and fell into a slurry pit.He was aterrier and not big enough to get out.He died in seconds.We found his body a day later and my father had the nerve to cry!That was 2 years ago and i have never forgivven him.I have been struggling not to cry at times.I have a kitten now and my father came in last night and started yelling about how he could smell cat in the house.He kept saying we had to get rid of the cat.I hate him so much and it makes me giulty to know that if he died i would only feel moderately sad.I dont bring friends home anymore and dread the night.I am also worried that i might become an alcohilic as my grandfather was one and his father before that.
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replied June 18th, 2009
Community Volunteer
When you have lived with a parent that is an alcoholic, you never escape the pain of the past...Even when you have left home, your fear continues for the Mother you have left behind...Your mind only rests when he has died...For him, it was an appropriate death...Drinking boiler makers and beer....Age 59....These memories stay with you for a lifetime....Only realizing the horrors of these happenings in later years, do you realize why she had to stay with him....There was no place else to go....

Caroline
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replied August 1st, 2009
Junior0517,
You have almost summed up my life, apart from the fact that we used to be well off and now we have a massive debt on our hands because of his not wanting to get a job and drinking all day, my mother wont divorse him although seriously considers it. He blames this on us saying that we spent all his money, and not the fact that he retired at 54 and now at 57 has no money.

I hate my father so much nothing could ever fix the pain and stress and anger he has caused me, my sister and mother and I am worried in a few years when I will finish school and want to leave home that my mother will be stuck here unless she divorces him.
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replied July 19th, 2010
Hi Everyone,

I have an Alcoholic Parent too. I’m on this site to try to find help but I’m not even sure what I’m looking for.

Do any of you know what you are looking for?

What is it that people with an Alcoholic Parent want to know?

What is it that we want to learn or know how to do?

Please help!! At least then I can search directly for what I’m looking for.

Thanks! =)
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replied September 6th, 2010
My father was an alcoholic as far as I can remember all his life.What made it worse was that we lived in a pub. He was violent to my mother and I used to try to stop that,always in the early hours of the morning.I don't remember him being violent to me.I missed a lot of school,was embarrased to have friends around,lived in a terrified state of what would happen next.
He started to have fits because of the alcohol,his face broke out in sores he had problems with his legs.I don't ever remember him doing anything fatherley with me.
Eventually when I was 16 my mother left him and the relief was enormous.I have lived the last 26 years without ever seeing him or having contact.As far as Im aware he did nothing to continue contact with myself or my brother.I do have issues,perhaps anger and insecurity ones,but considering, Im ok.
On thursday I found out that he has died,alone in a council flat and not discovered for three days and I feel devastated.I can now never see him and make it right,see if he was any different.I have agreed to pay for his funeral.I feel so guilty at living my life and not trying to help,but I hated him at the time.
Why do I feel so guilty and upset for a man who spoiled my childhood?
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replied February 3rd, 2012
I'm 22, and my dad has been an alcoholic for 8 years already, he socially drank when I was younger but 13 is when it started to get bad, my parents divorced when I was this age, and it all went to hell from their, during my adolescent years he was MIA all the time, I remember I would have to go find him in hell holes, bars, and at times find him passed out in my front porch, my mom wasn't the best either when it came to drinking, for about 2-3 years while in high school she would go MIA sometimes Thursday- Sunday, she got a reality check and changed but he still hasn't, its just sad, how he hasn't changed for the better, I'm in a good place in my life I have a 2 year old son, I just got engaged and I have a beautiful family that love so much, and I honestly don't want anything to do with him, I told myself I will not go back to my high school ways, of allowing him to effect my life so much, I hated myself back then for always being depressed, confused, and going through things I went through, I just hated it, and I have a lot of anger and aggression towards him, I can go months with out talking to him and it doesn't make a difference, I just receiveed a call from my grandmother, his mom, she was calling me to try and convince me to go look for him to help him, but I refuse to, and no one understands why I refuse to look for him, they make it sound like I'm the bad one, but they don't understand, its a horrible experience growing up and living life with an alcoholic father.
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replied February 11th, 2012
I had an alcoholic father. He was never violent and I never saw him drunk, but he was an alcoholic all the same. My mother divorced him and married someone else and I stayed with my father because I was at school and did not want to change schools or leave my friends. My father never provied for me, he was out at the pub most nights and years later I asked my mum why she let me live with him. She said he was a good man so thats why she let me live with him, but he was not a good man. My mums other marriage failed and she married my dad again saying she still loved him. He stopped drinking and never drank for 20 years until he died. Now he is dead my mum said she is glad to be rid of him.
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replied July 9th, 2012
family alcoholism
I was feeling really tense and sad today and your posts helped me. I am 20 with a father who is trying to quit drinking. The thing is one day when my mother was away he was totally in a drunken haze, I was 13 that time and i was terrified watching him but what made it worse was my 7 year old sister saw him too. It was her birthday the next day, the first time without her mother and she was literally wailing. I had to pick him up but he fell once or twice again and then he started crying and asked me not to tell mother. The next day we all pretended nothing had happened. Over the years he would get in this drunken moods when he would keep saying no one loved him, always sprawling about. We would breathe a sigh of relief once he passed out. Now he is starting to pick himself but I am finding it so difficult to forgive him, and when he starts telling me moral stuff, it seems so utterly ridiculous. Should I feel guilty for not being able to forgive?
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replied July 29th, 2012
Experienced User
although it is an unfortunate fact that someone so close to u is being rude to u and has an offensive behaviour. but u will have to tolerate it as he is ur father.try to convince him to stop drinking and involve himself in any other activity.
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replied August 14th, 2012
Alcoholic Parent
I have an alcoholic father. He started drinking in about 2007, when I was only 10 years old. He drinks every night for a couple months and gets drunk, and then he realizes what he is doing in wrong and stops. But his will to stop doesn't last for long. He can't control his addiction and eventually starts back up and continues to drink. My relationship with my father is very damaged, and I have no intention to repair it. When I just see his face in the morning I feel like running away from home because I don't want him to be a part of my life. I am so tired of him and he is just becoming more careless and selfish in my eyes as he gets older. Sometimes when he's really drunk he even spits on my mom and calls her a prostitute, and she hasn't done a single thing to deserve that. My brother always has my fathers back and whenever he wants to get more alcohol my brother supports him and goes with him to buy more. He is moving out to college and I don't want to be in this house with my dad and i can't stand to see my mom being treated that way. I feel like he really needs help or our family will just get progressively worse as a whole. My mom won't divorce him because I think she has hope that things will get better, but it's already been 5 years. How much better can it get.
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replied November 18th, 2012
I am 12 years old and my father is an alcoholic. My dad currently lives in the US while my mom, my two brothers and my sister are living in Europe. My dad living far away makes it easy for him to drink, cheat and lie all the time. My mom says that the last time my dad was here he came at her, but i have proof that she always exaggerates things like this so i don't know wether to believe her or not and she always tells me (when i question her about it) to ask my little sister and brother (ages 9 and 6) because they were there. My dad isn't abusive with me or my siblings but my mom always says that he is violent with her but i don't believe it.
My mom says she will never forgive my father but he came and she wont let him drive, be in the house and she insists on being there with us when we're with him. My family is being ripped apart thanks to this and i don't know what to do...
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replied December 5th, 2012
Alcoholic father
I am 30 years old with my own family, but for over 15 years I have had to deal with a daily struggle of guilt for my father! He has been an abusive alcoholic this whole time, my brother, mother and I have all left him years ago. Now he lives like a recluse and has let our childhood home collapse and crumble around him. I don't want the burden anymore but I can't cope with seeing a man I once respected living like a tramp. He is so thin and frail, he doesn't eat or heat the home. I'm in complete despair, I don't know that to do?!
He won't see a doctor or help himself.
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replied December 5th, 2012
Experienced User
This is also one of my problem. Thanks for this.
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replied July 22nd, 2013
Help please
I am 18 and my father has been drinking for about 10 years. Things started even before I was born when my mom was beaten on a daily basis due to my father's mother.(She used to turn my father against my mom though she was innocent)
At around 8 years old I began experiencing hell when I was still in primary school and I needed help with my homework. My dad would get mad so fast and start yelling and I ended up crying every time(I am a very emotional person). He used to beat me because I didn't understand and cried.(He didn't even know how to explain properly) I stopped asking for his help, I prefered to not solve the exercises than to ask for his help.
Now he hasn't physically abused us for a while but he still does it to my mom emotionally. Whenever he is drunk and that happens almost all the time he tries to pick fights with my mother though she has steeled herself to remain calm and not pay him too much attention even if he is mean. It has become quite tiresome to leave in fear and pressure, especially for my mom.
I feel extremely frustrated because I cannot help her. I am not proud of myself wishing to not have a father at all and I don't think I'd feel anything if he were to die tomorrow. I feel as if the hatred is eating me and exhausting me. My mom and I have nowhere to escape , nowhere to go, we're stuck until maybe I manage to go study abroad to get rid of him. Maybe our future will change for the better.
I am also a bit hot-headed and can snap at him which is not good because he instantly becomes angry and may hit me.
What advice do you have for me? What can I do? He doesn't even admit he is an alcoholic and going to therapy is out of question.(I'd get beaten just by asking him to do that)
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