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Advice on whether to reduce sex drive

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March 1st, 2012
I am blessed to be married to a wonderful wife. Unfortunately she has a low libido and only out of marital obligation forces herself to have sex with me weekly. She derives no pleasure from sex and does not ever desire it. When we do have sex she is totally non responsive and lies motionless and clearly wants it to end as quickly as possible. Foreplay is always rushed and if I take too long she gets impatient. She dislikes it when I try to touch her breasts and touching her anywhere else is not allowed, with the exception of inserting my penis in her. Selfishly I perform the act and feel guilty afterwards. I am left kissing her shoulder and slightly on the lips. It may sound like my wife does not love me but she does, like a brother. We have been married for over 25 years and have three children and I love her deeply. I plan to be her life partner forever. My self esteem is very low as I feel inadequate as a husband and lover. She assures me there is nothing I can do and thinks her low libido is due to a hysterectomy she had years ago. I desperately want to feel wanted and loving sex givee me the reassurance I need that I am wanted fully as a partner. I am thinking of asking my Doctor if there is anything he can do to help diminish my sex drive so I do not desire my wife physically. Perhaps I can find some kind of spiritual relief to help me cope with this situation. I adore my wife and do not want to hurt her but by selfishly making love to her when she clearly does not want to is hurtful too. Any advice?
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TriciaHealthy
replied March 10th, 2012
Experienced User
A hysterectomy can lower a women's libido. But, if your wife only loves you like a brother, that's really not a good sign. It means that her heart does not beat for you. She may have married you for the wrong reasons OR she has fallen out of love with you. You and she may need to have a very long conversation about that and seek marital counselling to see if your marriage can be saved. Otherwise, you risk falling into a depression.
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Lonelyhusband
replied March 18th, 2012
Upon reflection it is probably unfair to say she loves me like a brother. She simply does not have any desire for sex, though I am lucky she allows us to have sex but just to satisfy me. She could go the rest of her life happily without sex. She says she loves me dearly, and that we are soul mates. She has no sexual passion and tells me there is nothing anyone can do about it. I keep feeling "less than" because I do not feel desired and am unable to please her. My "insecurities" often kick in and wonder if she misses her old boyfriends and such to fill this part of her life, but she insists that is nonsense. Several years ago she tried to reach out to one but he did not reciprocate. She insisted it was just merely a nostalgic period of her life. I have to believe her. Perhaps I should just stop whining and accept things but as the years go by it seems harder. I hate to admit it but feeling wanted fully is very important to my well being. So, I think I have to find other positive healthy ways to fill that void in my life. Taking that next step is hard though. Thanks for listening!
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CarolineEF
replied March 11th, 2012
Community Volunteer
Hi LonelyHusband and welcome to ehealth: Some women think a Hysterectomy can lower their libido and thinking it alone can do the trick....I had mine with everything out at age 47 and believe me we are still going strong...Don't lower your sex drive....Have her see a competent female OB-GYN or Sex Therapist who she can talk to about what she is missing.....What is her age and did she ever show an active libido years ago?....I mean did she let you caress her and allow foreplay?...

Don't change, she may change and for the good....Take care...

Caroline
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Lonelyhusband
replied March 18th, 2012
Thank you Caroline, in many ways i am very grateful to be married to such a wonderful person, and from what I have read in these forums I do feel lucky my wife, despite not desiring sex, does try to please me. She did go to her physician but she told my wife low libido is a common problem and that nothing could be done. her physician even told her that she too had a low libido, and nothing could be done, and that I would have to accept the situation. I suggested my wife get a second opinion and got "the look". My wife assures me her lack of desire for me sexually has nothing to do with me. Maybe if i go to counseling to help me cope with feeling like a failure and wanting more demonstrative love from my wife if a good next step. I suggested as much to my wife, and she did not rule it out, but thought I should at least go for myself. Again, thank you for your comments.
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