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Advice on a Complicated Situation

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April 28th, 2010
My best friend has a baby girl whom I adore! She is 4 months old and beautiful and healthy. It was an unplanned pregnancy that came out of a hook up, not a relationship. The father decided he was not ready for this and could not give the child what she needed so he has chosen to not be involved in her life. He has never even met her or seen my friend since she told him she was pregnant. He does pays child support every month on time and has caused no problems regarding legal responsibilities. Whether anyone agrees with what he has done or not isn't the issue. His mother has recently contacted my friend and wants to be a part of her grand daughters life. Is this good or bad for a child? I have a nephew who doesn't know his father and it is very very sad for him, he didn't ask for any of this but our family gives him so much love and lets him know nothing is his fault. We do what we can. I do however feel he is better off not knowing anyone form his dads side if he doesn't know his dad. I think that it would be even more confusing to him to have his dads mom around but not his dad. I personally feel it is in the child's best interest for either side of the family to be all in or all out. My friend is having a really hard time deciding if she should let her little girls grandma be a part of her life, she is scared the confusion will damage her even more on top of growing up without a dad. Thoughts? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Mothers, what would you do?
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MzMoney
replied April 28th, 2010
i dont think her grandmother should be in her life because if her grandma is in her life and her father isn't then she may feel bad because she has a chance to meet her father but she didnt so she may think it is her fault...i think you should let her make the decision on her own OR if her father doesnt want to be apart of her life then discard the fathers family from the little girls family which will be very hard to do...no offence but i think it is the mothers fault kinda because she just met him so why would you wanna have sex with a dude you just met but who am i to judge
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BengalsLover
replied April 29th, 2010
Thank you for your opinion! I know where I stand but I know I am also bias in this situation. I should clarify that they didn't just meet. They were actually high school sweet hearts but broke up shortly after high school. We graduated 5 years ago and they have had indirect contact ever since because of all the mutual friends. So there is some a history there.
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Jharmon
replied April 29th, 2010
I had a very bad relationship with my bio dad but a wonderful relationship with my grandparents. and growing up knowing that they loved me was priceless. so I think your friend needs to think long and hard about what she is going to do. There is nothing wrong with another person loving the little girl. I have two kids and if I was in her place I would be okay with a health relationship and let them know they will not be walking in and out of her life thats not okay.

One day the little girl will grow up and might want to know about her other family and if they walk away then your friend could say that she did what she could the rest was up to them.

Good luck to you and your friend.
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worrywart012
replied April 29th, 2010
Experienced User
i agree with the above poster..i think if the grandparents are willing and seriously want a relationship with the child then to deprive her of that would be unfair
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CarolineEF
replied April 30th, 2010
Community Volunteer
I gave an answer to this post before and delted it...You see I gave this with my own Mother in mind....Now I will answer as per what the OP asks:

Tell your friend if she doesn't do this to be prepared to possibly spend the rest or a good deal of her life in regret...If this is going to be done it must be done now...The child must know the Grandmother and learn to love her as a family member...She must be accepted and loved...This all is not her doing anymore than it is the child's...Tell your friend that right now this is an easy to make the wrong decision for her own happiness....It's easy to shut this woman out of her life and find her own life....Tell her that it is the tomorrows that will hurt....The times when she will wonder why she shut the door for no reason...The times when she will wonder if it was her right to play God.....I send you my best wishes....

Caroline
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Kristalisme
replied April 30th, 2010
I think it would be a good thing. And I think the Mother not only wants to see and love her grandchild, but I think she is also doing it to give her son a reality check. And maybe showing him how stupid he is for not being their for his child. My may not want that, but it's not about mom, it's about the little one. And as long as the Grandparents aren't Bad people and the "dad" isn't either- which he doesn't seem to be too bad, since he is paying child support- then the daughter should be able to know and be loved by the other family...
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flirtycuddle84
replied July 12th, 2010
My childrens dad is not in their lives but their grandparents and even unlce are in their lives. My children love that side of the family and I have no issue with them being part of the childrens lives. It is the dad that made the choice not to be in the kids life, the grandparents had no real say. Letting my children know their whole family was the best thing I did. My daughter is 5 and son just turned 4 and neither one ask about daddy at all, but that side of the family never mentions him either so not to confuse the kids. Cutting out that side of the family from my kids life would have been a terrible mistake because I can see the happieness knowing them has brought to their lives. I also see how the grandparents light up when talking about the kids or making hte plans to see them.
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BengalsLover
replied August 19th, 2010
Thanks for the advice guys, much appreciated. Sorry this took so long for an answer but professionals were consulted (a psychologist whom consulted with three of her colleagues, all of which were child psychologists)and if any of you are curious to what they had to say here it is.
Across the board they all agreed that if that father is NOT involved in the child's life in ANY WAY (this is different from having a bad relationship with a father)it is in the best interest of the child & healthiest for her mental well being that none of the fathers family members are involved either. It was explained that she will have a hard enough time growing up without a dad but to try and make her understand her dad isn't around but dad's mom is a) will inevitably confuse her greatly & rob of parts of her childhood/be forced to grow up faster than is healthy & b) put a huge highlight on the fact that her dad doesn't want to be around. The constant reminder is not good for her mental health.
Thanks again for the tips but I am glad that my friend sought professional advice as everyone has their own opinions on what is best.
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minniemoomoo
replied July 6th, 2011
just because her dad is not in the picture does not mean that, that side of the family shud suffer as she has the rite to know both sides of her family...
believe me it is a difficult situation to be in as i am in the position at the moment but a lot worse.
i truly believe that the best thing for her is to have a relationship with her dads side of the family
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Lindsay4u
replied July 22nd, 2011
I understand that most people in that kind of situation will cut all ties that will lead to the biological father because of the misgivings on his side. However, even if it will open up bad memories, it is the right of every child to know his/her bloodline because most likely, it will have a great impact on one's individuality.
It will be better if you will start looking forward and make way for the possibility of a great relationship with the grandmother and in the process, you may find out that by facing reality and by accepting the things that come with it, you actually made the best decision for your child.
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minniemoomoo
replied July 22nd, 2011
i agree lindsay, this is one of the reasons i am allowing my children to have contact with all lines in their family but i will not allow them to have contact with the father cuz of the situation we are in, at this moment in time
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