I will really appreciate if anyone takes the time to read and respond to this as it is quite long, but this is my first time on a forum and I'm hoping that sharing this might be the start of my road to recovery...maybe...

I am 24 and have been bulimic on and off for the last 6 years. At the moment I purge at least once a day, usually more, sometimes it is because i have binged, but sometimes its after a regular meal. I eat a big meal, letting myself have seconds and desert, because in my head I know its not going to stay down but i dont throw everythin up as i know i need some nutrition.

I dont see bulimia as a way of losing weight but as a way of maintaining it. Like, I was a size quite large from when i was about 13 till i was 21, and so miserable with it. Then i started excercising and eating healthy and dropped to 2 sizes, but if i slipped up on my healthy eating i would purge after it. I classed a slip up as anythin i ate that wasnt fruit, veg or soup.
After i was a size 12 i was hardly purging at all for about a year and eating pretty normally, I put on about 1/2 a stone. About 4 months ago I started going to the gym alot again, and dropped another dress size by going 5 days a week. But I have started slipping up and bingeing again when i cant keep up the healthy eating. I am a teacher so when i am at school i find it easier to have a routine and i only take healthy food to work so i can maintain my healthy eating, and i go to the gym after it. but as it has been the holidays i have not been going to the gym as much and eating much more, and therefore purging more than ever to keep my weight down.

I feel like i think about food all the time, what i can eat and if i will be able to throw it up afterwards. whenever im alone i think, oh great time to have a feast, even if i dont really feel like eating, i do as i think i have the house to myself so i can. so i just eat whatever i can, even if im not in the mood for anythin, i also stay up late and wait for everyone to go to bed and do this, eat what i can then stick my fingers down my throat, when i eat till im really full i actually really enjoy the relief purging gives me.

I want so badly to be thin, and although i am a 'healthy' weight for my height I still feel fat and see a fat person in the mirror. I'm not anorexic as i dont starve myself...i dont have the will power. people tell me i'm thin and get annoyed with me thinking i'm just fishing for compliments when i say no im not, but i seriously am not, like i dont understand how people can look at me and think im not fat! I always think people are looking at me thinking im fat, and when i have been taking my new size of clothes into changing rooms in shops recently im feel like the attendants must be thinking who is she kidding taking in that size, cos i look so much bigger. (sorry if sounds bit vague, had in sizes then read your not allowed to put in sizes so edited it)

I know this is not a way to live but i cant imagine my life without it, how i would cope, now that i have worked hard to lose this weight im so scared i will put it back on again, cos i cant control my eating. I know i am so weak its pathetic.

One of my friends knows after a drunken confrontation from her and a tearful confession from me. but i have refused to talk about it since that night as i cant speak about it and have told her i dont do it anymore and she has taken my word for it. I still live with my parents but theres no way i could tell them, they would be so disappointed and sad and i dont want to hurt them. i have a boyfreind of 20 months but i dont want to tell him either.

If you have got all the way to the bottom of this...thankyou so much for taking the time to read it. and advice or just a comment to say what you think or feel would be so much appreciated. I want to get better cos i know im damaging my body and my health, but i think a part of me is quite happy to keep this up if its going to keep the weight off. I dont know. help. please.