I have no feelings. I feel like I an numb. Sadness is the only thing that makes me feel alive. Without sadness, I would have no feelings at all. I can make myself feel happy, but they are sparks in the night. It is not the shining light that I yearn for. I do the best I can. I make me take myself to the movies. I buy myself music that might lift me. It never last as good as sadness, but I keep trying.
I have learned to keep my mind busy. I have went back to college. I study hard. The constant mental exercise does not make me happy, but it keeps me away from the sadness. Sadness is the best drug I can get my hands on, but it is self destructive. I stay busy being constructive. Being constructive gives me hope. That small amount of hope keeps me moving, or I will die.
You see, I have a heart condition. When I am sad, I forget to take my pills. Sadness will kill. I no longer have the luxury of sadness. I am walking a thin line, but I am walking.

It is so easy to fall into a cycle of depression and misery because of its consistency. It does not change unless you want it to and this gives you a feeling that you control it. Most people in your situation just want to be happy inside but deny it because they are afraid, happiness ultimately brings pain they think. This is negative thinking because there is always balance, happiness has to actually last for a period of time to bring about sadness. The trick is when you think you have lost your happiness stop hanging on to it, there is always another way around and you can find contentment elsewhere. By having self-pity you are essentially trying to say you love yourself, think about it...nobody else loves me, I am so lonely and sad, nobody even cares...obviously you care otherwise you would not even have these thoughts. Do not deny the truth, you desire love but are afraid, acceptance is the first step forward and can be intimidating.

Keep hiding in yourself, keep your thoughts to yourself, don't do anything involving the world around you...and in the end you will realize your life passed before your eyes un-lived. Trust me, this feeling is much worse, you will not be able to breathe from the emotions and feel even worse. One step forward is one less step backwards, this means you need to act as soon as possible to change to avoid further repercussions of your self-sabotage.

Some times I just stand outside and watch people walk by all day, and I laugh inside thinking these people are not going anywhere but to their deaths in the end. I forget that I will meet the same fate, and if I don't live then how am I any better than them? No matter how much you know about life, there is a lot more to learn the problem is just that you are not in the right place or time, keep moving.

This is a relative universe, things need context to have a frame of reference or there is a lack of existence. If you do not live, you do not exist, even if you are one in a few billion people living on this planet you need to do your job. Life was never meant to be a luxury, from the time of the caveman 10000 BC, it was a struggle, until now and all those people do it just to exist. People who don't exist have no power over the universe, you need to make yourself exist before your time is up. Have you considered why billions of people keep struggling everyday for over millenia? They all do it because existence is a beautiful thing, you never know what is around the corner whether it be good or bad does not matter. The only thing that matters is making it there, when you feel down take another step it may take you over the edge or into the skies but if you don't you will never know.

This hasn't been a problem until recently because people who gave up did not survive life, however due to technology and ignorance this psychological problem has arisen. Every time you are being depressed and not working or accomplishing something is a moment someone else has to pay the price to keep you alive. People do care but you need to realize that they are living life too, they are not living only for you but they are also living for themselves. You can't blame others who are in the same situation as you unless you also blame yourself. If you bring someone else happiness they will return the favor, if you mourn for yourself then nobody should care. Do you care about the millions of other people who are depressed, do you talk to them or try to help them? No...so why should they? The law of reciprocation, you need to provide to be provided with. Love and be loved. Live and have lived, a life worth living.

I hope this helps someone down the line and good luck people, remember we are all in this together. Keep your head up if not for yourself then for the others who are also suffering.