Rarely a line from a song can really catch your mind. I can't think of many that actually had this impact on me. At least, until a couple of weeks ago. It all started about a year ago, when I was granted a scholarship to go study abroad. My life seemed like standing in one place, no excitement, no inspiration, so I went. I had dreams about what will happen, on how I'm going to have fun, travel a lot, learn new stuff and a new culture, and most of all - how I'm going to heal from my lake of romance with this short-term relationship, preferable with what I hoped will be a cute roommate.
God, people say "be careful what you wish for" for a reason. So all I wanted to happen did. I was happy, I woke up everyday with a smile. I fell in-love with this place far away from my home. I was free to do what I wished for and when I wished. Again, I was happy. A feeling I then found out that I never experienced before. And yes, I also had this cute roommate. We started of "just for fun", but during time I failed like many (women?) failed before me. At one point I found myself crying in bed in the morning, realizing that the all thing is not just 'benefit' and, once more, for the first time in my love I was in-love.
Well, a fairy tale it was not. Well, you know what, maybe it has been. I loved him more than I thought I can. I enjoyed every moment. We traveled a lot to many amazing placed I could have never reached without him. We cooked together, we went out, and watch movies every night before going to sleep.
But it was only from my part. We've been together for six month before I needed to go back home. I still don't know if he loved me. I wasn't sure most of the time if he even likes me, or had I just solved his loneliness, and yes, of course, it is was easier for him. He didn't need to go out look for girls; I was just there. Many times I thought that if it was a real relationship I wouldn't want it to last more. The problem though when it is a short one with a deadline, is that you just ignore all those stuff that would have bothered you. You just carry on, making this loving feeling be greater than it should be.
Now I'm back home. We parted in the airport. I cried constantly, he didn't seem to mind so much. we were mailing each other now and then, when I know that it is the worst idea in the world, at some point we stopped. I need him so much. Now that I know how happiness feels like, and how he was connected to it. I dream about him and think about him all the time.
It had been three months, and I still cry everyday. Not just because of him (even though I believe this is the trigger to all the rest). It the whole thing in general. I miss my freedom, I miss my life there, and I miss him. I went back to being stuck. To be depressed. I got used to this feeling, this suffocation, the chunk in the throat. Crying makes it stop for a while. So I cry a lot. It won't help. I'm pretty sure it only makes it worse. But I got addicted. Yes, this is my certain kind of sadness. I want to let it go, but as with addiction, I fear it is here to stay.
I am sorry you are hurting so much right now, castnoshadow. I can hear the heartache in what you wrote, and I am concerned by your grief. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers! I also wanted to share with you some information I've run across in my time with Focus on the Family that I thought you might find helpful. You can take a look at http://bit.ly/IhYQFd and http://bit.ly/Icjav5. You can even talk to a counselor for free. Check it out at http://bit.ly/GJhyHp. I really hope this helps. God bless!
sorry to hear that your life suck, but realistically. it probably not the life your living suck, its that you’re making it hard for yourself? I’m sure your young, possibly save money and travel again? maybe you should consider joining a group function? get out of the house, do some volunteer work, explore your surrounding. Are you limited to those type of resources? I’m sure there are a lot of things out there that can help you get your mind off of it. Your not a lone unless you push people around you away from you, be cautious of your surrounding. You soon will find happiness again, its all in timing.
I just joined the forum because I too needed to speak my pain..
I'm really sorry that you're in so much pain.I know it sounds unrealistic at the time but trust me (and everyone else) when I tell you that time heals..It sounds hard but give yourself a chance..You will definitely found someone whom you can see everyday and that makes you feel like that.You just need to give it time and build yourself back up.When you least expect it it will come to you.
May I suggest volunteer work or picking up a hobby?(I started going to the gym and resumed my guitar playing for example)..Find something to fill your time.And for goodness sake..STOP LISTENING TO EMOTIONAL SAD SONGS!