Rarely a line from a song can really catch your mind. I can't think of many that actually had this impact on me. At least, until a couple of weeks ago. It all started about a year ago, when I was granted a scholarship to go study abroad. My life seemed like standing in one place, no excitement, no inspiration, so I went. I had dreams about what will happen, on how I'm going to have fun, travel a lot, learn new stuff and a new culture, and most of all - how I'm going to heal from my lake of romance with this short-term relationship, preferable with what I hoped will be a cute roommate.
God, people say "be careful what you wish for" for a reason. So all I wanted to happen did. I was happy, I woke up everyday with a smile. I fell in-love with this place far away from my home. I was free to do what I wished for and when I wished. Again, I was happy. A feeling I then found out that I never experienced before. And yes, I also had this cute roommate. We started of "just for fun", but during time I failed like many (women?) failed before me. At one point I found myself crying in bed in the morning, realizing that the all thing is not just 'benefit' and, once more, for the first time in my love I was in-love.
Well, a fairy tale it was not. Well, you know what, maybe it has been. I loved him more than I thought I can. I enjoyed every moment. We traveled a lot to many amazing placed I could have never reached without him. We cooked together, we went out, and watch movies every night before going to sleep.
But it was only from my part. We've been together for six month before I needed to go back home. I still don't know if he loved me. I wasn't sure most of the time if he even likes me, or had I just solved his loneliness, and yes, of course, it is was easier for him. He didn't need to go out look for girls; I was just there. Many times I thought that if it was a real relationship I wouldn't want it to last more. The problem though when it is a short one with a deadline, is that you just ignore all those stuff that would have bothered you. You just carry on, making this loving feeling be greater than it should be.
Now I'm back home. We parted in the airport. I cried constantly, he didn't seem to mind so much. we were mailing each other now and then, when I know that it is the worst idea in the world, at some point we stopped. I need him so much. Now that I know how happiness feels like, and how he was connected to it. I dream about him and think about him all the time.
It had been three months, and I still cry everyday. Not just because of him (even though I believe this is the trigger to all the rest). It the whole thing in general. I miss my freedom, I miss my life there, and I miss him. I went back to being stuck. To be depressed. I got used to this feeling, this suffocation, the chunk in the throat. Crying makes it stop for a while. So I cry a lot. It won't help. I'm pretty sure it only makes it worse. But I got addicted. Yes, this is my certain kind of sadness. I want to let it go, but as with addiction, I fear it is here to stay.
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