Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Dear Readers,

I am in an abusive relationship for 2 years. My bf is not living with me in the same country, but we talk every day and he puts me down every day, even for the smallest things like turning around the onion in the pan with a spoon and then doing the same with the rice using the same spoon (via video chat). He currently is in a country that is not his own and that he find very austere, trapped in a job he hates. He feels very depressed and lets it out on me all the time...He also made me do a business start up with him on which he says his life depends on. He is so set that this project is the only thing that can help him after quitting this stupid job.In any case, I have to help him, and though I have been very enthusiastic all the time and helped, I was not very proactive (well even if I was, he convinced me by now that I was not). And he is always reproaching I am not doing anything about it, and not trying at all, avoiding to talk about it. I am not avoiding but maybe giving me a break every now and then, talking about us without reproaching that we are doing it instead of working would make me feel at ease and much more ready to work.

Anyway, he puts me down a lot, tells me I have no entrepreneurial desire so anyway, he has to accept that...He is the one wearing the burden of the project, the most affected, etc. He also is very agressive with me, tells me I am wrong, should shut up and accept it, not answer back as I do ... accept my faults...not think so well of myself....get some humility. Yesterday I stood up for myself, quarrled, and he seriously freaked out, got very angry, lost control....Luckily I'm very far away but he was insanely angry...He sais everything is my fault, I do not listen to him...I am an egoistic person, I care only about myself...I don't see the situation he is in, don't care...I ignore everything and just think of how things could get better for me ...

I really would have liked to go through this with a person who treats me accordingly well, not someone who tells me I am a piece of sh**, go f*** myself, go to hell, etc. He thinks I have a "bad attitude" and I am "a bad person" ... though honestly, I can't not retaliate something, I can't not answer...it's too hard, I am not as bad as he thinks, I am not someone mean...I feel like I indeed don't do enough for the project cause if until now it was a pleasure and motivating, this became an obligation since he convinced himself that I don't want to help and this unmotivates me ...it's such a vicious circle....

He threatened to kill himself if I continue arguing, if I continue being mean, or if I leave him he said he would have no reason to live for...I don't want anything bad to happen to him....Please tell me what to do...I feel in a cage...

Replies(9)

J3nnyuk

replied on November 1st, 2009

Moderator

Hi hun you need to explain all this to him preferably face to face....Tell him how he makes you feel and its not acceptable...and that despite his threats to kill himself if he doesnt change his ways then you are leaving....harsh i know but seriously hun its needed! If he really cant live without you then his attitude towards you will change...the threats to kill himself is only to stop you leaving him because us woman do worry about this sort of thing but i say he is just throwing you a line to keep you in check! dont listen to it....Jenny

W0LF

replied on November 1st, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

joana1
The situation you are in is very abnormal. It's not even clear to me why you're in contact with this man. Let me say just a few things. Obviously you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone that makes you miserable. You realize that this man is corrosive to your self-esteem and happiness. It should be clear that you need to end this relationship. Also, you are not responsible for this man's well-being. If he is suicidal he will be suicidal weather you are there or not. If you allow his threats to kill himself control you, you are empowering his control of you. For both of your well-being you need to cut off contact with him immediately and permanently.

joana1

replied on November 1st, 2009

New User

Guys, I know you are right, I don't think that I seem like not being aware of the situation at any point. My central idea here is: how do I make myself break up?????? I feel so sorry for him, I feel so responsible...he has put me down so much that I actually believe I am responsible for his life and the projekt we are doing together...for which he makes me feel I do the least work and he does the most (whereas this is not the case, we work at least both the same on it and I get most of the pressure and stress cause though he tells me I should not behave as an employee, as a partner I am constantly put down, my e-mails needing checking so that they don't offend the reader and his input...I am not proactive enough but need to do things his way) .... anyway...I know I need to break up, but how? I feel like I destroy him and all his life will be a disaster afterwards cause I'm being a "female dog" (to not post unappropriate words)

J3nnyuk

replied on November 1st, 2009

Moderator

Ok so i have heard a lot of woman say this...that it is their fault their men are nasty, unloving, abusive..and it really is frustrating seriously hun take it from me as i have been there and well and truly received the t-shirt..it is not your fault re-reading your post you say basically everything you do is wrong...well its not men just say it is as a way of controlling you so you end up going back to them and saying your sorry for something you have not even done..Trust me i know its hard but you got to move on unless you know he is going to change because if not you both are heading for disaster emotionally..I hope you can find your inner strength..Jenny

W0LF

replied on November 2nd, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

I'm acutally going to disagree a little with Jennyuk. We honestly don't know enough about what's going on between you and him to figure out if his blaming and abuseive messages are validated in some way. Even in the most controlling relationships there is some give and take. However, it just doesn't matter. You taking his abuse isn't helping him, his abusive behavior isn't helping you. Your disprespect for one another isn't helping your employer. It needs to stop. It sounds like you understand this. Just understand that staying in the relationship does more damage to him than leaving and end this thing. Also tell whoever has put you on this project with him that your collaboration isn't working out, share logs of the IMs where he's abusing you if there's any need to explain why.

Pocahontas848

replied on November 12th, 2009

New User

Drop it, there is no love, it is not your fault. What you feel is most likely controlled by his actions and influence on you, hencing he probably wants you to feel that way so you'll stay. Drop him.

joana1

replied on November 17th, 2009

New User

He is now getting weird panic attacks and threatens to kill himself if I leave him....what should I do?!?!?! I am afraid he will do it...and I don't want that!!!!

W0LF

replied on November 17th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

You should get a friend or family member to help you leave, as in to a location he doesn't know about.
You should change your phone number and cut off all contact with him.
If he finds you you should notify the police immediately and seek a restraining order.
You should get therapy help you recover from this experience.

Candyland

replied on November 19th, 2009

New User

Joana, your primary focus right now is "you" therefore you really need to focus on your needs and if he really wants to kill himself, throw him some rope.

Delete/block him off your contact list on msn or whatever program you are using. Next any online applications like twitter, facebook etc make sure you set to private and and remove the add friend function.

Next make dates with your friends, find a hobby, pick up a book or maybe even join some type of martial arts course, trust me it will do a world of good in the long run. When people are in these type of relationships, they break up and expect quick results but in reality you need to think over a longer period of time.

Next time he threatens to kill himself, tell him where he would like some rope shipped too, via purolater of course. I'm sorry if I come off cold but I have no pity, only solutions!

In the worst scenario such as him threatening to come to your place etc etc keep the written logs and seek police counsel as well as restraining order like wolf stated.

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