Hello, I'll try not to type to much. My Mother is very abusive to me and I don't want to hurt her or see her cry. The only way I can get her attention is to get extreme with her. For example, I don't have any money or I can't help you pay for anything anymore. I'm in financal ruin because of her. Recently, I've been having seizures in my sleep and very emotional dreams that leave me crying or fighting when I wake up. She won't help me do anything that does not benefit her. I've been the good son all my life and when I don't make good on one thing. She goes extreme and tells me I'm no good or selfish or tell family members about the one thing I didn't do. She will even comment that I'll die for acting a certain way. She says I'll have another seizure in my sleep and die if I don't do what she says.
I fear that I might be gay and this has followed me all my life. The one thing I knew my parents would not accept from me is being Gay. I'd rather die in my sleep then have family or people point fingers at me. My cup is full and it is killing me in my sleep. I'm not perfect and I feel no joy from life except loving street cars(fast and furious). She asked a few times if I was Gay and I lied. Mom talks everyday about Gay people and how its nasty and against God. She says Gay people have a mental disorder and they either have AIDS or will get it soon.
I'm 31 years old now and life is passing me by. I'm a college grad and a professional with a long resume. Besides work I have nothing else to do. My parents are not interested in why I sit around. I think they know the answer. Anyway, I'm very nervous and feel emotionaly drained. My mother acts like she doesn't like who I am. I think I don't like who I am either. To put more pressure on me my Father also has issues.
Hang in there, there are a lot of people that are going through the same problems that you are going through and that made it. You have to love yourself. Just realize your mother has her own issues and don't know how to deal with them. Get your own place and work on yourself and you will be fine.
Personaly speaking I don't like homosexuality. I believe that God only created two beings the male and the female. But I don't believe in disrespect. Your mom needs to respect your feelings and guide you to whichever she thinks is right but at your age, I think you already know the right and wrong. I understand your feelings that you don't wanna hurt her so I agree that you should do whatever you have to do to leave her and get yourself a life. But it doesn't mean that you are rebelling against her but prove her that she is wrong. Prove her that you can be a person that she can be proud of inspite that you're gay. Achieve a lot and never forget her. Do a reverse psychology ignore her abusive words and love her more than ever. She will evetually realize that what she's doing is wrong. Visit her often if you happen to find a place of your own.
Hope this will help. Always remember she's still your mom after all. She loves you since your birth and you will not be alive if not because of her.