i am 19 years old (soon to be 20) and i attend university. I've had a good life with lots of good friends. my family is good. when i was young though, i was abused by my older cousin. i have never told anyone about it because when i was younger i though it was okay, but now that i look back i see something different. i don't want to tell my family because it would break my mom and dad's heart, i don't want them to be ashamed of me and i don't want to wreck the image they have of me. i want to talk to a friend but i don't want them to freak out, and my issues are probably too big for them to handle, they will just tell me to see the doctor (i just want to tell someone who actaully cares). I'm starting to get into a possible relationship, but as of right now i am deathly afraid that I'll have flashbacks or something. i want to get into the military but they require a physical examination which i don't think i would be able to even step inside the office and let someone see me. i think I'm afraid the doc would be able to tell that i was abused. i've had a good amount of people pass away on me including my grandpa when i was in Europe. i missed his funeral. i keep beating myself up about it, and i know i really shouldn't. i think i may be depressed but i don't want to admit it. to me depression is a sign of weakness...letting someone know what your actually feeling is weakness. i guess i only believe this because i want to be strong and the only way i know how to is to keep my stories and experiences to myself. i don't know what i am asking for at this point...i think i know what i should do, but i guess maybe im asking for some direction, some advice?