I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 31 in 1995. Ivan, my partner at the time was diagnosed with bipolar the year before at age 22, so it's amazing that no one saw my signs sooner. Of course, I now know that there are two types of bipolar disorder. Ivan had Bipolar I (one) with very severe mania and psychosis and I had Bipolar II with hypomania and psychosis. Our depression was the same. Bipolar I is a lot easier to diagnose. I had my first hypomanic episode at age 17, but no one knew what it was. From age 19 until 31, I was misdiagnosed with depression and an inability to control my wild behaviour- which of course was undiagnosed mania! I saw doctors, therapists and naturopaths looking for answers, but since bipolar disorder II was not talked about at all, no one thought to ask me about signs of mania.
Bipolar I and Bipolar II share 100% of the same depression symptoms. The only difference is the severity of the mania-Bipolar I has full blown mania that usually requires hospitalization. Bipolar II has hypomania that is often missed by health care professionals unless they know the right questions to ask. There are two types of many- euphoric where everything is fantastic and beautiful and dysphoric where things are disjointed, anxious, irritated and sometimes aggressive.
I was shocked, but very, very happy for the diagnosis. I literally had no idea what was wrong with me and as my symptoms got worse and worse I blamed myself more. For about seven years, I often woke up and thought, "Oh my god. I have a serious mental illness." I am used to it now, but I still feel sad for myself and others who have it! I always tell people that though bipolar disorder is not so wonderful; a diagnosis is a wonderful thing.
I had symptoms from age 17. People with bipolar I are often surprised by the illness as the mania and psychosis can be so quick and so shocking. I have never met someone with bipolar II who was not able to point to a lot of symptoms from early adulthood.
I have a very comprehensive treatment plan that I talk about in all of my books. The treatment plan is called the Health Cards Treatment Plan for Bipolar Disorder. It changed my life- in fact, it gave me my life back. I explain how I created it in my work. I have to manage bipolar disorder 24 hours a day. I mean this literally as I often wake up sick. I have heard a lot of people say- why does she focus on the illness so much! The answer is that I have a really bad form of rapid cycling that doesn't go away. I was stable for 33 days in a row last year! That is the longest string of stability I have had in six years. It was great as it was not hypomania! I monitor my symptoms, watch my triggers vigilantly and get a lot of help from family and friends. I saw my wonderful therapist Robin for five years - that helped a lot as we focused on management. She was always there when I fell apart. It was important to have someone who could listen without getting stressed out or overwhelmed. I now see her when needed.
I have not had success in terms of diet and exercise- it makes my body feel so much better when I am healthy, but I don't get relief from mood swings. Many people do though! I am worried about my physical health in terms of diet and exercise as people with bipolar disorder are much, much more likely to have heart problems. I know that taking my meds and managing triggers is the only way I can stay stable.
Wow that is a loaded question. First of all, let me say that things are literally 100% better than when I was diagnosed and even better than that in the last two years. The secret is that my management skills got better even as the illness got worse, so I have found a balance where I can work a lot more and have stable and long lasting family and friend relationships.
Ok: now for the reality. I can't work at an office or any type of work setting. The pressures of having to be there and especially the stress of dealing with co-worker dynamics are way too much for me, even for part time. To put it lightly, this has been devastating for me as I want the office environment. I like to be around people and go to happy hour and work on projects and feed off the ideas of others. But it's not going to happen. It's something I have to live with. So, I made the decision to do what I can. I work on being able to work every single day.
Ah, now on to relationships. If you know my work, you know that I can't and don't date. It's too much for me. I'm great within relationships, but the stress of dating, especially internet dating, is simply too much for me. I actually get so ill I stop functioning if something goes wrong with a new guy or I put too much pressure on myself. I have learned and accepted that this is 100% bipolar disorder as it happens no matter who the guy is, how nice he is or how we meet. I stopped dating a year ago and this is why I've been able to work. What a loss! But it's my choice. I've talked with my therapist and friends about this and we all agree that my finding a relationship is going to be a part time job.
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