Hello ladies, my name is Abby I'm 26 and I had an abortion and a miscarriage this year. I'd like to share my experience to hopefully help others or provide comfort. I'll start with my abortion. I met a guy most gorgeous person ever..... He told me one we started dating that his ex was 6 months pregnant with his baby. She tried to trap him took herself off the pill and when she got pregnant she gave him an ultimatum of get back with her or never see the baby. He said he'd stand by the baby but didn't want to be with her and of course she made things extremely difficult.... How cruel.
I fell pregnant. I made the immediate decision to abort as I am a very traditional girl and I wanted to do the right thing. Plus we had only been going out for a month. I didn't want to be the "girl who got knocked up" I was worried what people would say what my family would say, his family, what his ex would say, I was worried about the changes to my body and to my whole life changing. When I was pregnant I had one day where I was so uncertain I wanted my baby so much I was battling with myself then got back into "focus" on what's the best thing for everyone. I remember listening to elton John "your song" and the lyrics just tore me apart. The night before the abortion I started crying and said I felt like I was playing god and I felt terrible. I went in for the abortion and as I was being put under I remember saying in my head to my baby "IM SORRY" over and over again until I woke up.... I burst into tears then pulled myself together and went home. My boyfriend was extremely supportive throughout this he always said he'd stand by me no matter what decision I made and that he wants to be with me so it doesn't make any difference to him what I decide.... How lovely.
2 weeks later I've basically got on with things, my boyfriend told me that I'm "the one" and everything was great. I have a habit of dis connecting from my feelings and I thought I was ok but I was still there I was still going through the hormone change and still felt a massive up in the air feeling. 3 weeks later his ex gave birth..... I lost it. I spent months running away from my feelings, running from myself running from John and running from my decision and from the grief and it just all came back and bit me in one massive explosion. Watching him go to hospital to meet his new baby was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like he was gone from me. Like someone had gained something and I had destroyed everything. I felt a loss such a loss that I could barely feel like me. I didn't feel like me and if I'm honest I still don't. I in affect hate myself and I don't feel like I deserve to be me. I have been punishing myself ever since. I dont feel like I deserve to love or be loved. I find that I (as my therapist put it) self harm in my head. Yesterday I drove past the place where I had the abortion and felt like I was driving past a grave yard. Today I spoke to my therapist and said I wanted just to go there to feel close to my baby again.... So I did. I sat there for 5 minutes in my car and felt so sad and so much like I just wanted to hold my baby. It felt like when you visit a loved ones grave. Awful. For anyone reading this who is looking for advice on what to do I would tell you that I believe in choice and that you do have the right to choose. I'm a strong believer in that and if you don't think the time is right or you simply don't want a baby then that's perfectly natural don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. After all you don't HAVE to have a baby just because you are pregnant and end up resenting the baby. The advice I would want to give to everyone is.... f*#k the circumstance f*#k what people might say and f#*k tradition. We live in a modern world it doesn't matter if you have parents that still wear tweed hats and braces you are a woman and are totally your own person. Please look deep within yourself and ask your very soul... " WHAT DO I FEEL NOW?" if there is any shred of doubt please go and speak to pregnancy crisis centre and talk it through please don't do what I did and not listen to my gut instinct because it is not the correct thing. I carry the baby everywhere with me and I will never forget. For all you ladies who feel the same as me or feel guilt, you are not alone and are brave beyond imagination for trying to come to terms with your loss and for reading my story. One thing that I was and still am sick of is telling people that have never had to make this kind of decision, that I HAVE to let go of it and forget.....You don't have to let go of the baby you just need to come to terms with your loss and try and find some peace that your baby is probably in a better place than this crazy world. I will never forget my baby and will always hold a place in my heart for it. If anyone has any questions or comments please feel free