Hi everyone. I'm 19 years old and still screwed up from a break up at a time when I got a triple whammy of troubles. After leaving school, I met a guy at a friend's party. At first I wasn't particularly friendly, having never had a proper boyfriend before. Eventually however I found myself falling much more in love than I thought possible in so short a time--3 months. Before then a guy had never really left any emotional impact.
Anyway, our A Level results came out. My back-up uni was his first choice, but I made my grades and got my first choice at Cambridge. We were worried about how long-distance would work but decided to try. However, when I got to uni, contact mainly ceased. He took back a lot of previous promises, told me that he 'didn't feel much for me when we did stuff', said he 'wasn't serious' and criticised me for being 'too intense'. Meanwhile, I hated Cambridge and sank into depression (I have since been diagnosed with clinical depression). I cried a lot, lost weight, and found myself buried under piles of work whilst my friends spent 'most of their first term drunk'. Towards the end of term, my bf contacted me again. He saw nothing wrong with inviting me to his uni, sleeping with me, and then, on return home, cutting contact again. By this point I was a mess. My parents were and are in the middle of a divorce, and whenever I rang home, my mother ended up crying down the phone. When I tried to explain what was happening to him, the only 'difficulty' he could come up with in response was 'being hungover'.
A year has passed, but I'm not happy. I crashed this Christmas again. I've been in one relationship since, which lasted a grand total of 4 days. The guys at my uni don't interest me. Whenever I come back home, I think of my ex and get upset. He never knew the depth of my feelings for him, and when we broke up, I kept a lot of the hurt/anger under wraps. Still feeling hurt, I recently decided to find closure by being a bit more pro-active about getting rid of my feelings. I lost my temper with him on MSN and then, the following day, went to a club. I didn't need him; I could do anything, I was okay. This mantra went on whilst I pulled a guy under his nose. He let slip hints that he's angry/sad/jealous.
I'm now a bit screwed up again, spending a lot of the last few days crying. I can't get rid of these feelings, and I can't seem to let anyone else close enough to give another relationship a chance. I feel like there's not a lot left to believe in. I deserve better, but so far things haven't worked that way. I nearly dropped out of uni over the summer--also the time when my ex decided to feel me up at a gig. I'm trying to focus on what I love and what's uniquely mine to enjoy, but I KEEP crashing. How do I move on?
