Hi, I'm a 17 year old male in the UK, I live with my parents. Before I start I think I should mention I'm currently reaching out for help, i went to a youth center called Connexions 3 days ago, I have a meeting tomorrow and an appointment with my GP in 4days. I think I've been suffering with depression, anxiety and maybe drug addiction for quite a while now, in order of length of time i think I've had the issue.
I started smoking tobacco at age 13. My drug of choice would be cannabis, which I've smoked almost everyday for 3years now, some days just one spliff some days I'll smoke upwards of a gram of a fairly good quality in 3 or 4 spliffs(On my own at home, so this isn't counting what my 'friends' would share with me). I've stopped, kind of, I've decided not to spend any money on it for the time being. You may wonder how i could afford to do this, I sold it to my 'friends' but i won't get into that here, I stopped selling about 4-6months ago. I've taken Cocaine and Mephedrone around 15 times altogether over roughly the past 8months, I've decided to not spend any money on them for the time being also. I can't stop smoking tobacco however, if i try i find myself going nuts within around 4 hours. I don't really want to stop the sniffing or smoking cannabis, i still enjoy it but i would like to stop smoking tobacco, ironically the drug i can't stop. I don't drink alcohol by the way it doesn't make me feel good. I believe it's not the drugs i crave but the escape they provide. To some extent I've been addicted to MMORPG'S such as World of Warcraft and Guild Wars. I took speed once and it gave me a headache, as well as a month of Dianabol at 45mg a day around 9-10 months ago. That concludes my drug use, the town i live in is rife with it.
This is where I start to have difficulty explaining myself. I don't think I've ever really been completely happy, but it is definitely worse or getting worse. I used to have issues with the way I look thinking back when i was around 10-13, I have ginger hair supposedly a sin, when I was in year 7 the year 11's would single me out and take the piss out of me for it. My looks don't bother me anymore, I'm much more concerned with how I feel. My dad drinks a lot from what I can tell, I try to avoid him at home I find him awkward to be around possibly due to childhood experiences that I won't share, and partly due to the fact I don't like the unpredictability of drunk people. I find myself withdrawn and distancing myself from others especially my mother, she irritates me not from what she says but simply because she is trying to talk to me when i really don't want to talk, which doesn't seem right or fair to her in my opinion. She tells me she used to suffer with depression, I'm fairly sure my brother did as well (he's 4 years older than me and took his last uni exam today) but he seems fairly content right now, my dad is unhappy too, sometimes I wonder downstairs for a smoke late at night and he is drunk crying on his own. I ignore him and somehow remain indifferent, which also doesn't seem right or fair to him, a son should care about his father. He told me a few hours ago how proud and impressed he is by everything I do, he obviously doesn't have the full picture, again however i feel indifferent to his comment. Maybe this is the part where I should add I look up to my big brother and I love him unconditionally.
I don't really know what i want if I'm honest and when I think I do it turns out to be an illusion and just things I think I want or think I should want. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to do anything. Hm...point isn't the right word, that suggests this is a recent feeling, I'd say I've had apathy to some extent since year 10 of school at the age of 14/15. This is when things started to go bad i guess, I would worry about social interaction for fear of being judged or ridiculed over trivial things, however this was a reality sometimes. My concentration started to suffer as a result of, I think lack of sleep or poor sleep quality(I think the games link in with this, and obviously the drugs). I don't think there's been more than a few weeks of time where I have felt 100% in the past 7-8 years. I started walking out of school frequently and I would either sit on my own for a while around town and go back in or walk home and walk back to school before my mum came home ready to be picked up. Or I would go to the medical room and say I felt sick, one of my parents would pick me up and i spend the day at home. This is something I'm quite ashamed of because I would take them away from work which they do to support me and my brother and if they didn't I would attempt subtle guilt trips to get them to pick me up the next time. This still happens I'm sad to say, not getting my parents to pick my up saying I'm ill as I'm at college, but texting in sick for weeks on end and dossing about at home feeling sorry for myself. But texting in sick isn't too far from the truth, I do feel ill pretty much all the time. Upon waking up I feel dizzy, lightheaded, starving, a muscle under my right shoulder blade and trap almost constantly ache as well as a stiff neck which I have to click too loosen. I feel like I need to cry most days, take note of the word need rather than want, but I can't do it for some reason I haven't been able to let myself yet. Something that bothers me is that despite feeling this way I would constantly make my friends laugh up until about 2 years ago. I was out this weekend for a few hours and I got a few laughs the odd time i spoke up but I couldn't relax or speak my mind. Which brings me to my next point I find it almost impossible to relax and my mind is almost always racing with negative thought patterns or over analysing anything, no matter how important or trivial. Or the opposite I feel numb, overwhelmed and exhausted, the two states can switch quickly and often which is frustrating. However I'm starting to notice I'm generally more relaxed at night sometimes even feeling decent which is some relief, until I wake up to that disorientated feeling.
I think I should mention I entertained the notion of suicide when I was 15 or 16 for a few weeks, but after browsing the web I realised there is no option available to me that I would be comfortable in carrying out and since I don't believe in an afterlife or reincarnation of any sort, I decided I may as well lead a life of suffering rather than none at all. I still want it all to end and to feel good, but I completely rationalised myself out of that idea.
Well I'm going for a smoke before bed as I'm not in the mood to carry on with this right now, I'm afraid I only just scratched the surface of how I feel. Any input or objectivity is welcome. I've missed a few physical symptoms I think may be a result of how I feel, I may add them another time.
Me again in bed on my phone, I should add those symptoms now to complete the picture. Constipation every week or so for 2-3months now resulting in stomach pains frequently, frequent and trouble urinating, trouble getting to sleep due to being uncomfortable such as my head feeling awkward against the pillows and racing thoughts/stress or hunger, i've been waking up at 3-4am once or twice a week for a few months now, feel lonely often but I dont want to talk or see anyone at the same time, normal tasks are becoming increasingly hard such as cooking and showering, getting to sleep and staying asleep is half the battle the other half is actually getting myself to get into to bed, I really dont want to be wasting my free time but I always feel as though I do, I frequently feel like im going to collapse or keel over as if I cant go on. My minds gone blank again, ill revise what ive written tomorrow and make appropriate edits