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A part of me died with my mother, please help.

Hello,

I am 37 years old and my mother passed away three years ago on the the 5th of January 2009, she would have been 62 10 days later. She was my best friend and the only person in the world who loved me regardless and never judged me no matter what. I was able to tell her anything. No, she wasn't a woman of many "wise" words but even her "hmms" are missed to this day. We talked on the phone daily,and sometimes several times a day up to the day she went into a coma. My mother suffered from CREST (an auto-immune disease), a heart disease,and lung disease. Her last year of life was not lived to the fullest since she was constantly in pain. I feel absolutely horrible for how the last 6 months to a year of her life was agony. When she was taken into emergency room, I was with her the whole time. She was going through fight or flight response due to low oxygen levels. I watched her panic since she couldn't breath and had to try to hold her down to let them get air into her lungs. Man, this was traumatizing. Three years later and I can still see it like I am there now.
Since the day my mom went into a coma, I never left her side except when I was forced to through dr's, nurses, or family members. ONe time I did leave voluntarily, she passed away. (I like to think that was her way of protecting me, she willed me to leave)
I am a stay at home mom of three children and go to school to obtain my bachelor's degree in human services. My mind and heart are consumed with too much pain and I seem to have an emptiness which has taken away the ability to truely be happy and giving. As a mom and in my future career in human services, I somehow someway need to feel alive again myself. How do I do this? After losing my mom I feel as though a part of me left with her. My poor husband and children are emotionally suffering a loss of their wife and mom even though I am physically here. I DO NOT want to kill myself nor will I ever do that to my family. Although I am here physically, my emotions are dead. Yes, I still love but it has a dullness to it, like I can't reach complete happiness. My poor children are deprived of the excitement, laughter, and sincerity that they deserve and this kills me. How do I get back to having the ability to love truly love again?
Yes, I have family. 2 brothers,a sister, and my dad. However, they aren't hit with the emotional abscence that I am suffering. Me and my mom always had this special bond that noone else in the family had and this is agreed upon and discussed many times.. There was a closeness that noone could touch. When my mom passed away I was on a "suicide watch" since everyone knew how badly I would have been effected, . This is why when she died, I know that I gave her everthing that I could to make her live a happy life...emotionally.
Any suggestions will be great.
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First Helper beemtchl
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replied January 31st, 2012
Your mother wouldnt want you to be like this. She loves you and is watching down on you all the time. I am a firm beliver that we will see them again, and if you look for the signs Im sure she is trying to tell you to move on, She would want you to have a happy full life with your children, like the life she had with you. Its going to be hard but remember that you can still talk to her, and do things that she would like, like bringing home a boquet of flowers to display in her memory and honour. So many people dont get to have a relationship with their mothers, you are so lucky to have had the chance to be her friend and have that relationship with her. Why dont you find a greiving group in your area and go talk to people that feel just like you, it would be a good way to find some suggestions as to whats next for you and how you can keep on living your life. Good luck to you, I wish you the best, and Remember Your mother is your guardian angel now.. what would she want you to do, feel empty and go through life just doing the motions or go through life with energy and love and have a full wonderful life.. chances are it wouldnt be the first one. <3
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