I am a man who has in the past let his bipolar disorder affect his relationships. I am now in a relationship that I am extremely committed to.
The problem is, my girlfriend (who is not diagnosed in any way) had text sexual chat with two men in the game Second Life. Further, she took one of them to voice.
She has promised me that she won't do it again.
To add to the story, I have been having terrible erectile dysfunction problems, yet I was masturbating many times a day. Yuck. I know. I was probably *CAUSING* the problem. I admitted to her about the porn and masturbation and swore to stop, which I have absolutely 100%. She said that with the same conviction that I have that I won't do *that* again, she will not be unfaithful with another man like that again.
She told me that she was not turned on. She said that when she did go on voice, she did not touch herself and she faked orgasm. She said she felt extremely guilty both times. I felt relief that she did not feel anything toward these men and didn't get a reciprocal turn-on, but it still bothers me to no end that she probably helped bring two strange men to orgasm. She is not sure what led her to do it, but she said that she feels inadequate because of my erectile problem. She said she thinks it was the thrill of turning on a man. My psychiatrist said that It is her issue, not mine, but I can't help but at least feel like I own some of the blame for the masturbation and taking sexual energy away from me and her.
*I* am the bipolar. Add to that dysthymic disorder and generalized anxiety.
I reacted horribly. I raged. I called her a backstabbing w---e.
We have talked things through. As I said, I am dedicated. I believe in the 99% that is good in us and I think she is a good person and good *for* me. She made a bad mistake.
My problem is that I don't know how to let go. I feel terrible and can hardly concentrate. I just want to smile sometimes. Other times, I just *know* that everything will be okay and I am at peace. Yet other times, I want to start surveillance of all kinds in motion.
God, I don't know what to trust.
If I wasn't paranoid sometimes, I'd feel better about intuition.