i really like the perspective of your story. i have bp1 and your analogies are for the most part solid. thanks for sharing! take care. puzzld

Thanks! I have found that getting really introspective about what this experience is like for me is very healing. It helps me separate ME from IT. Now that I finally know that I'm not crazy (the BP is the crazy one), I can amuse myself by separating me from the BP.

It's like the actor realizing that he's not actually the character. I feel like I just realized that I'm not Minnie Mouse. Thank god I can take off those awful clunky shoes and that huge, heavy head with ears on it. I almost forgot what I really look like.

i know exactly what you mean! i was extremely relived on one hand when i finally accepted the fact that i have bp and i am not a bp person. i'm kicking bp's butt! how long have you had the beast? puzzld

My guess is that I've had this for the last 10-15 years. Most noticeably in the last five years. And excessively glaringly in the last year.

It's been the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I LOVE the highs, the lows make me feel like my biggest disappointment in my life is - well, me. I range from "I just want to die" to "I am going to do it all and be the best at everything I do! And I'm going to do it all TONIGHT!"

Right now, I just love learning to understand it and accept it and love it and pretty soon, I'm gonna learn how to kick it's ass out of the drivers seat for good. I never asked for a Chauffeur for Life and I sure as hell don't need one now.

you have the right attitude soucie! keep it up =) are you on meds? i've been on meds for about 6 months now and it feels weird not having severe mood swings... strange i know. i feel... numb. not perfect i know but i'll take it over the hell of an existence i was in any day!

i believe i've had bp for about 10 years. like you more noticeably in the past 5 or so years. i broke mentally and physically this past year. i went completely catatonic. i just checked out one afternoon. my husband found me drooling on myself and i couldn't move or talk. that's what it took for me to fess up to having bp.

Thanks puzzld... I am on meds now; up to 50 mg of Lamotrigine now. I started them about six weeks ago, just increased them a few days ago. I am definitely in a hypomania phase right now... I crocheted six beanies in the last three days. I started singing lessons and going to learn the ukelele next. But it's all distraction and I still need to focus on what actually needs to get done in my life. Since being on meds, it's actually been easier for me to say no and to keep my activities under control, but I can sense that the tendencies are creeping back.

I had always suspected that I was bipolar, but I had no idea there was a II version of it. So I always dismissed it because I didn't fit the typical I version. Finding that there is a BP II condition was like finding my other half in a way. It made me understand myself way better.... So THAT'S why I am like that!! haha!

It's hard for me to acknowledge that this may be a life long condition and that the meds may be my new best friend, but that'll come in time I guess. Right now I am simply happy to know why I always found myself to be so different from everyone else. Why I always seemed like the crazy one. Why I didn't feel like I fit in. Why "normal" people weren't like me. Like I was so defective in so many ways - but not understanding why why why. Being matched up with BP II helps me understand it. I keep saying this, but it was such a huge epiphany for me! I'm not BP. I'm not crazy. What a HUGE relief that was! I stopped hating myself when I discovered that I AM NOT IT. Life changing epiphany.

Your story is fascinating... I read your profile. What's been the hardest thing for you so far? Biggest epiphany? What's helped you the most?

~soucie

can you describe your hypomania phase? i'm very curious about it and don't know enough about it. i'd like to be able to help people in that state, too.

it's a wonderful but sad day when you realize that you have bp. i'm happy for you and you have such strength!

bp is a lifelong condition, unfortunately. i wish we could just grow out of it the way we grew into it but without all of the suffering of course

thanks for reading my profile! the hardest thing for me so far was the many years i struggled to stay alive and accepting the fact that i have bp. my epiphany... i am not bipolar, i have bp disorder. my acceptance of my diagnosis and my husband's undying love and support have helped me the most. getting past the stigmas attached to mental illness is a huge thing for me. i work hard daily to educate people about bp. it is unfortunate that our society doesn't see mental illness as a real illness. thankfully this forum has taught me that there are so many people out there breaking the stigmas and sending out the correct message regarding mental illness.

what's been the hardest thing for you so far? what is helping you the most?

I'm still really learning about my own hypomania phases, but I'd say that they basically make me feel like a little wonder woman. I overbook my schedule, decide to sign up for a bunch of classes, activities, events, start up a business, initiate new projects, hobbies, etc that leave me with almost no free time (or time with my loved ones). Lots of people have claimed that I'm just "too busy". I almost lost my relationship because I didn't have time to see him. I had too many classes and other commitments. Everyone says that I have this cycle. I do way too much and then I burn out. And then I repeat. Over. And over. And over. And over.

Last week I stayed up until past 1:00 am practicing and then writing out a speech to absolute perfection. The only odd thing is that 1) I haven't been asked to give a speech, 2) I can't imagine actually giving this particular speech as it is on a very personal topic and 3) I couldn't tell you what made me decide to devote 4-5 hours of my night to perfecting a speech that I have no need for instead of working on something productive.

Oh, and once again, I only got less than 5 hours of sleep that night.

I used to do partner dancing up to 5 nights a week. On those nights, I was out from roughly 8:00 pm until 12/1 am. Then I'd wake up at 6:30 for work. I did this for years and years. I'd be in a hypo state when dancing, but back home (or at work), I'd crash into a depressive state.

I used to say that I didn't have "good days" and "bad days". I only had "good hours".

In hypomania, when frustrating things happen, I totally overreact. Can't figure out what to wear? I'll lose it in my closet and have a fit of rage. Slow driver or traffic? I have to fight from ramming the car ahead of me or illegally passing them in the bike lane. Bad traffic panics me usually (unless I am in a depressive state, then it just brings me to helpless tears). Regardless, the outcome is usually the same. See handy formula below.

In hypomania, Frustration --> Rage --> "I'm bloody pissed and I just want to die".

In depressive state, Frustration --> Tears/Paralysis --> "I just want to die"

Overall, I'd say that I don't have the appropriate level reaction to things. I overreact and under react. My tenant hasn't paid rent in six months... I respond with "Eh, I don't know" while everyone else goes, "You HAVE to evict him!". Today I almost lost it because it was foggy at the beach (I was expecting sun). I am often convinced that I can "do it all"; right from 6:00 am workouts to working all day to a second job at night to doing an online class and then cooking my own meals at home, to maintaining a blog/website/side business, to designing T-shirts, to making polymer clay ornaments, to crocheting beanies, to volunteering at a soup kitchen, to rejoining an old sports team, to learning how to tap dance... Anyone tired yet?

But see, I believe I can handle all of that. There are 24 hours in a day, and I can actively put 20 of them to good use.

Hardest thing so far... Gosh. Where to start. It was a bit crushing to learn that this may just well be a lifelong thing. But that also made me realize that damn - I better learn to love this thing sooner rather than later. While I talk a lot about recognizing that the BP isn't ME, I also am trying to learn to love "being bipolar". The best thing about "being bipolar" are the fabulous ideas I get! My mania has given me the best times of my life; it's made me feel brilliant, witty, talented, beautiful and unbelievable in every possibly way. So while I don't really want to be cast as a bipolar woman (that really shouldn't be what defines me), I also have to learn to be okay with "being bipolar". I'm gonna try to love it and accept it and welcome it - but I'm also gonna say, "Dude. These are the house rules. You gotta play by these rules for us to get along. Got it?".

So we're going to be two separate entities, but like roommates that reside within the same house. Inside that house are Soucie and Little Miss Bipolar. And since I am that house, Little Miss Bipolar is a part of me. She just doesn't have a really big room anymore.

What's helping me the most is writing so much about what bipolar represents for me. What this experience is. How I am understanding it. How I am experiencing it. What insights I am getting about myself and this disorder (or rather, my new roommate/tenant). It was shocking to see that other people experience the same things I have for you. I have felt totally defective for the last 20 years of my life. Not understanding why I wanted to spend so much time alone. Why I got paralyzed so easily. Why the fits of rage. The self injury. The brilliant and intense highs. And then the overwhelmingly confusing and sad lows. You guys understand it. Some of you do the same things. I had no idea. You showed me that I'm not alone. And bipolar showed me that I'm not defective. I'm just another variation of a human being. Then again, aren't we all?

Oh almost forgot the worst part of the hypomania...

A total inability to actually focus. I'll be on a call (especially at work) and will realize that I have no idea what is being said. Even when I am trying to pay attention. I zone out so much that it would be embarrassing if anyone ever called me out because I'd have no idea what just happened. I do this all the time. It is a miracle that I am able to hold a job.

Thoughts and ideas racing through my head so quickly that I forget what I am saying in the middle of my own sentences. I just stop talking because I have no idea what I was saying and therefore, no idea what I should be saying next. Or, stuff spews out so quickly that I don't recall anything that I've said. People say, "You told me once that..." and I say, "Really? I said that? Wow. I'm impressed.".

I've had to master "faking" my way through life by adopting various personas to cover my inability to think, listen, remember or process information. Thus... the arrival of me being "adorable" (thus easy to forgive when I do drop the ball), "a bit ditzy" (always a good excuse especially when you are looking super adorable that day), and "quirky, eccentric and free-spirited", (again, best paired with "adorable").

There are things that I have been taught or told or read about many many times that to this day, I still cannot grasp. I just zone out. It falls right out of my adorable little head. I multi-task during every phone call and most conversations (I'm IM-ing, playing a game on my phone, reading something, crocheting, playing with a paperclip, journaling, organizing my iTunes library, etc. My mind simply cannot focus on just one thing. It will go bat-crazy.

I know some will say, well geez, I do that too! But normal people don't do this almost all the time and it doesn't get in the way of most of the day to day activities. The frequency and impact of this zoning out is much more severe than what normal people experience.

The thing with hypomania is that it often appears to be more normative; it's generally not so radical or extreme that people are obviously tipped off that something is seriously wrong. Which is why so many BP IIs go undiagnosed. And if we're "adorable" enough, no one will ever call us out on any of it. They'll just say, "She's so quirky!" and be more amused than anything else.

thanks so much for the info! would you say that you are more manic than depressed? do you go back and forth in short periods of time? have you ever had any major breakdowns that made you think you should be medicated? i find it fascinating that you are able to somewhat function still after all this time... or at least fake it

i got to where i couldn't fake it anymore... i totally relate to that! btw, i am bp I and experience more depressive episodes than manic. sucks. wish i could just be manic all the time and not be medicated. but, for me, i have to stay medicated because my depression has the potential to be deadly if left untreated. i can't really list my manic side... though i know i have one. it's odd really. wonder if anyone feels this way, too. puzzld

you deserve no less. you sound like a very kind person... like your husband. it's great that he knows your patterns. that means he cares and he's paying attention i am blessed with a kind husband too. he is my hero. puzzld