Renees blows to me have been hitting me right where it hurts. She is blaming me for moving away. I already have so much guilt about that. She is holding me responsible for every failed attempt she has made to do the right thing for Mom, every sleepless night she has had, every anxiety attack she has had, every fight she has had with her husband, and so forth. She even ridiculed me for seeking out an Alzheimers support group, saying that she is the one who needs to attend support meetings, not me. I told her that we all need to go for some counseling and support. I also told her she has no idea what my life is like and how I have been hurting and feeling so alone here without the support and comfort of my sisters. I need help to deal with that.
I have come to the realization that there probably wont be any reconciliation with her while my Mom is still alive. That is so sad. I didnt want this, and Mom would be so very hurt if she knew. I tried to mend things. I tried for Mom. I tried for us. I love all of my sisters very much, even Renee, but I do not like her at all right now. She and I just cannot get along. There comes a time when you just have to let go and accept that you've done all that you could. Renee does not care about having a relationship with me. I am not going to hold my breath that she will change her mind.
Unfortunately, Renee is the lifeline I need to my Mom. She will continue to withhold information and not tell me whats going on. I have been kept in the dark for the past two years as to what medicines Mom is taking, what the doctors are saying, and about whats going on in our moms daily life. This is her way to control and punish. And I have to accept that I will not know these things.
I do know that my mom was released from the hospital yesterday and taken to a nursing rehab facility. How long she will remain there is yet to be seen. At one point I considered moving back to Iowa, temporarily, to care for Mom. Renee isnt letting that be a possibility any longer. I asked Renee if we can have a family meeting to discuss this option with everyone. She said she didnt want to be any part of a family meeting.
Ive heard that God doesnt give us more than we can handle. I truly feel that my sisters and I have been put to the test. We have been stretched and pulled and tugged at, to the point that we are hanging on by one thread. That thread is our mom.
I will be going to see her soon. I'm hanging on for mom. She brought me into this world and I will never, ever leave her.