Making Amends

The real fault is to have faults and not amend them. Confucius

How often have we done something that we have needed to go back and apologize for? There, I have said I am sorry. What else has to be done? Chances are pretty good that the person I apologized to accepted my apology without incident and off we went. Some time later I did the same thing and again said I'm sorry. Once again, I did what was expected of me and apologized and once again you said okay. This behavior keeps repeating itself over and over and I keep saying I am sorry and you keep accepting my apology.

At what point do I learn that saying I am sorry is not an amends, but rather it is an apology. There is a major difference between the two and it took me a long time to learn what the difference is. Many people suffered through my learning and my amends has truly made a difference in my relationships with them. 

 

What is the difference you ask? We are all nice people with good intentions. We are all flawed human beings and are all going to make mistakes and say or do things which are hurtful for which we need to apologize. Saying I am sorry the first couple of times is better than not, but making amends is taking responsibility for the hurtful action, internalizing the feeling when done to me, and resolving to change my behavior.

 

Part of my addiction behavior was taking the "apology" to an art form and believing I was getting over on you. Upon entering recovery I learned, rather painfully, that I was not, had not and could not get over on you and that I was the only one who did not know that. Consequently, I had some major changing to do.

 

As an addiction and spiritual counselor, I have brought my own experience, strength and hope along with my professional training to help clients newly recovered, learn the difference between saying "I am sorry" and actually "being" sorry. The gap between them is vast.

In changing my behavior I have made an even louder statement to you about how badly I felt for my actions. I have demonstrated to you that what I said or did to you had all to do with me and nothing to do with you. My dis-ease within me caused to me say or do something hurtful to you. Until I heal me, I will continue to create hurtful events with you and will forever be saying I am sorry.

My prayer for you today is for you to have the courage and faith to see the need for change within you and make the amends rather than the apology to me.