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Infertility Grief: Saying Goodbye to the Child You Never Had

July 18th, 2013 by ddavanport

The topic for this weeks Creating a Family show was sparked by a discussion on the Creating a Family

How do you know when you are ready to stop infertility treatments and move to adoption?

The grief of infertility is hard because you are grieving a child that never was except in your heart. Must you resolve this grief in order to move on to adoption?

Facebook Support Group about the angst many adoptive parents feel when they still grieve the biological child they never had, even when in the midst of parenting a child by adoption whom they adore. These feelings of grief catch parents by surprise. They are happy. They love their adopted child. They are grateful and thankful and all the other __fuls that they should feel. But still, amongst all this fullness, there is a whole in their heart for this child that never was, but was very much in their hearts and mind.

Many adoptive parents feel shame and guilt in the face of this grief a sense of being disloyal to their much loved adopted child. What a confusing place to be.

We talked about all this on the Creating a Family show (Grieving Infertility Loss after Adopting) with our guest Carole LieberWilkins, a therapist specializing in adoption and family building options. Not only has this been her profession since 1986, she also lived the experience personally by having a child through adoption and then a child through egg donation just 10 months later. We covered how to know when you are ready to stop infertility treatment and move to adoption, and how to decide if you should go back into fertility treatment for your next child.

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Grief is a process, not a switch. You may always feel the loss of experiencing pregnancy or having a genetic connection to your child, but it need not be overwhelming. I knew Carole LieberWilkins, was the right person for this show when I read this quote by her:

“The hardest thing about reproductive loss is saying goodbye to someone we never said hello to. Our sadness and depression over the loss of our genetic offspring is grief. But unlike the grief we feel when a real person dies, infertility grief means saying goodbye to someone who was never really here. When there is an actual death, we have ritual around it. We have funerals and wakes, or we sit Shiva, and make social calls. We go to church or temple, and often light candles. People bring casseroles to our homes and say, Im so sorry for your loss.

But when we are told that we need genetics from someone else in order to conceive, when we need to confront that our child may not look like us, be like us, laugh like our grandparent, or have our partners intelligence, no one brings us a casserole and no one says they are sorry for our loss. There is no name to give to a person who died, even though we feel exactly like a real person has passed. Thats because the person has been so real to us for so long, even if we didnt realize it.” – Carole LieberWilkins

Are you still grieving the loss of your biological child even after adopting?

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Image credit:califmom

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Tags: Infertility, parenting, adoption, In Vitro Fertilization, fertility treatments

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