A few weeks ago I was an adoption paperwork doer, adoption researcher - I seriously was reading books, blogs, adoption websites etc til my eyes felt like they would fall out of my head. I would find myself sitting awake at 2 am just unable to absorb enough information .. I felt like I was getting closer to our Someday Babies with every word I read and every document I scanned. It felt so good to be DOING something that would help us prepare for applying to adopt. I was unstoppable - or so I thought. (by the way, I'm about to get super honest about some of the heart-breaking parts of adoption so if you don't want to read it - don't)
Now I feel paralyzed.
My Farmer Boy and I were talking about the next steps in our life and how we will go about getting into a position (out of school with real job and house) to adopt. We were talking about types of adoption and I was kinda freaking out. I was trying to explain to him how I feel and I said that I feel like I can't move or think about it right now. I said that I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the road looking at two baby birds lying in the road and being asked to choose which one I will pick up and take home. I feel like as this gets closer and we learn more specifics about various situations and orphans it is just so overwhelming. EVERY situation that leads to a child being put up for adoption is a heart-breaking situation. If it's a situation of birth parents dying, of them being too poor to raise another child, if it's a situation of abuse, or someone who is too young to be a mother .. each situation is tragic. Even if it's the best case scenario of adoptions ... it's a sad situation where either someone has to make the choice to relinquish parental rights, or that choice is made for them in some form. So - no matter what the individual story is behind the children we will adopt, it will bring heartache. The most exciting and precious gift God will give us a a couple will come to us because of someone else's deep pain. And right now that weighs very heavily on my heart. I've been praying for the birth parents of our Someday Babies for over 7 years now - and I have to believe that God is the God of redemption and that He can reach out of the pain these people will face and bring something good. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt.
And that's not the only thing that makes me feel stuck right now. I hate that we have to make choices. Choices that feel super unfair. I want to wake up and find a baby in a basket on our doorstep - but life is not a bedtime story. At some point we have to settle on what organization we go with, what country or local adoption we pursue, and we will have the choice in some situations of what birth mother or what child we choose. And that's hard. When someone gets pregnant they don't have to reject another baby to made that child come into their family. And back to the baby birds in the road - if I can only pick up one - I have to leave one there in the road. I have no guarantee that someone else will come along and pick up that other baby bird - and how in the universe could I choose which one I pick up? If I believe that both are equally precious, both are equally in need of a loving home - how I can choose? It is not fair. It's NOT fair! Not for us, not for the birth parents, and most definitely not for the children. (ok go ahead and picture me lying on the floor kicking my legs and punching the floor screaming - because this is exactly what I feel like doing)
Now, before anyone stones me for not having enough faith in God, of feeling guilt over all of this - or anything else - please understand that I do know deep in my heart that God will help us, and I know that He is bigger, that He will use all kinds of ways to help us choose - or choose for us, I know that He can be trusted with the children that we cannot adopt .. I know all of this. I know that life is not fair on so many levels, I also know that some of the biggest blessings come out of heartbreak - I know that beauty comes from ashes ... But honestly, all of that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that suddenly I feel all better and this feeling of being paralyzed is gone. I know that this won't be always the way it feels, I know that at some point I'll pick back up scanning, writing, researching - that I'll be excited again and unable to get enough information about getting our Babies home.
But this is not that day. And I'm not here to lie about it and say that it's all peaches and cream. I will say that without God I would be in deep despair - it is because of Him that I do have hope that this will all work out somehow, and He will make us deeper more compassionate people because of going through this.
So tonight I reach out to His hand and trust that even though this is no fun, He is still God.